hipster appreciation

this is just going to be a pretty random and jumbled blog because i have a lot on my mind at once. disclaimer.

so i haven't posted in a little while. i have no excuses and don't really feel like any are necessary. but uhmmm. i'm pretty much giving up on nanowrimo. i thought i had a good idea, but it was just ripped off a movie and i don't feel like writing out shit that's not mine or restarting six days in. plus, this weekend has been kinda strange. i haven't written in a while about anything, really. my friend caleb who i met in july randomly texted me yesterday and told me he was beginning his two week trek to move back to california and wanted to spend the night with me. so he did, and he left several hours ago only to break down an hour ago. so he's getting towed to here around midnight. joy joy joy joy staying up late. good thing i love this kid.

so last night we watched the final battle and made fun of the things that went wrong with it while still appreciating the musical as a whole, planned some evil plans, and ate. when i say ate i mean we almost didn't stop shoving food in our mouths, hahaha. it really felt like the burrow. it's really cheesy, mostly because my mom says it every time, but my whole house honestly feels like a different place when we have someone staying over. it just warms it up and makes my mom and i really happy and genuinely kind. not that we aren't like that at heart all the time, but stress makes us forget a lot of the time. and when we have one of my long distance friends come to stay for a day or so, it changes my mom's and my outlook on everything we've come to know as habitual each day.

and this is, i think, is the main reason why i want to move away so badly. the want is so intense that it drives me to tears and makes me feel as if i'm missing out on something so much bigger. i wake up and my muscles are tired from recognizing everything i see. it's not that i'm unappreciative, i'm really glad i grew up in a room i could make my own and have people's faces that i love all over my walls and look up and see my favorite quote from dumbledore dangling over me. it's just that i want this bedroom in a larger scale. i don't want to only be able to be myself in a flourescent ten by six area for the rest of my life.

i just want a whole city where i can call myself myself. from the time i wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night and i laugh or cry or think myself to sleep, i don't want to fluctuate personalities. never again do i wish to spend a summer as a bitter, coldhearted bitch and then soften up in the fall. i want to always be like this. i want to have love pouring out of my fingertips at a second's call.

it's honestly amusing how often i tell people i have no reason to be here. i really don't know how many other people feel this way. i like to assume that there's a fair amount, but then there's a large part of me that is very aware of the fact that several of my friends are really genuinely proud of where they hail from. i always wished i could have pride like that within me, but it's just not come around. i used to be absolutely terrified of moving when i had a best friend. when would i ever see her again? but i haven't seen her in five years, even though i found a note from her from fifth grade in one of my old coat pockets. err..anyway.

it's because when i spend long periods of just texting my friends and not really feeling much, i'm usually in this perpetually morose mood. i'll talk to people and act really happy, act, even if i really do love them. it's just that over the years i've become some kind of person i don't recognize when i'm alone. but when i'm with friends and that smile is real, i realize what i've been missing out on. and that, blogger, is why it's so hard to leave long distance friends. you never know when you're going to be happy again. it could take nothing more than a skype call.

i would literally rather be anywhere. i'd rather be in iowa with mallory, i'd rather be in lebanon with steph and monica, i'd rather be in ann arbor with sarah, i'd rather be in grand rapids with eva, i'd rather be in canada with patrick, i'd rather be in new jersey with cole and anna, i'd rather be in nyc with my ex boyfriend who hates me now, and i'd rather be in virginia with ivy. i'd rather be in new england with tom and bella. i'd rather be in florida with thomas and amber. i'd rather be in baltimore with alex. i'd rather be in california with zach. i'd rather be anywhere but here. how is that even possible?

so my friend jesse just wrote a really sweet blog about me and i'm returning the favor. i think out of any of my friends, i think jesse feels like this the most. he's a lot like me in general, but i get that sense that he wants to escape a lot. and i don't even think it's because the place he's in is genuinely crappy. i think it's mostly because he's experienced so much of the same shit each day and eventually you just want more. and unlike anything we've experienced in the past, i think jesse and i both really feel like we deserve something new, something more now. at least if he doesn't, he should.

what i appreciate the most about jesse is that we can talk about absolutely anything. and also the fact that it was always that way. there wasn't ever a time when i really wanted to tell him something and didn't feel like i could. and i think that's the most important thing about any kind of relationship with any kind of person. if you can't say what you want, the point of the friendship kind of ceases to exist for me.

another really refreshing thing about this boy is that he's just not someone who's in everyone. there's this aspect of humor that we can always link with each other and it brings a smile to my face every time. i'm more than grateful that he hates the same people i do and has the same favorite wizard rock band that i do. he's just always there. and he makes me want to be a better person. he showed me the definition of forgiveness, and that it doesn't always have to make you feel like shit.

i know if we were to drop everything and hang out right now, we'd have the time of our lives. we could have totally unprecedented, unplanned fun and not worry about when we'd have to leave each other. because he's one of those people who once you leave, you don't worry about the steadiness of the friendship. it's always going to be there whether you like it or not.

so thank you, jesse. for teaching me how to love someone unconditionally. for teaching me to say no when i need to say no. for teaching me to stand up for myself, and for giving me an endless supply of laughter that wouldn't be contagious if it weren't for people like you.

and start dating that blonde girl.

also, he's giving up on nanowrimo with me. feels nice to have a buddy to go "fuck that" with.

To Be Inspiration

So many people want things. And not enough people need them. Some of those wants could very well be needs, and some of those needs wants. People, myself included, get the two mixed up all the time. This is very apparent when you find yourself really starting to admire someone and notice the little things about them such as the arch of their eyebrows or their awkward nervous habits.

How can you separate want from need in this situation? Is want limited to receiving love, or can it be that you really do harbor a desire to give someone your undivided attention and affection? Can this be borderline need, or is there some other specific criteria that allows it to be defined?

When I want to be in a relationship with someone, I find myself focusing more on ways that I could ease the pain in their life and devote myself to them rather than ways I could catch their attention and convince them to adore me. So do I need their affection in return, or am I just wanting to feel it? I could never make up my mind on this, but I think I've just begun to figure it out.

You can't honestly, totally love someone if they're not in the core of you. Not to say that you must do everything for them or revolve your world around one person, but you should feel like you're tied to them in the most pleasant of ways. It shouldn't be a "oh, I'm your wife, let me make you a sandwich," but more of a "I feel like we could really make genuine positive impacts on each other's lives, so let's try this."

Trying to convey this to people when asking them out is nearly impossible, and how can you ever know whose intentions are real and honest? I believe that's one of the reasons why most people seem to automatically jump to the conclusion that long distance relationships are doomed. They're tricky, but they shouldn't seem impossible because of trust issues. Hell, I have too many of those and I'm always throwing myself forward into the unknown.

I am sometimes told that I'm in need of a cool down session and that my friends walk on eggshells around me. Which is amusing because my attitude (which my mom always blames on me being a Leo) certainly does crop up uncontrollably. In a setting with more strangers, I'll hold it in or maybe say some snarly comment, but if I lose my temper around a close friend I'm not holding any anger back. I think this is because I assume that no matter how upset we become with each other, we'll always be there for each other because of the connection we'd already built up.

I wish I didn't have this mindset sometimes, but on the other hand it makes me very proud that I do. If everyone thought this of their friends, there would be lots of arguing and not a lot of making up. At the same time, though, there wouldn't be as much distrust and suspicion between close friends. I guess I got fed up with that and just assumed that if someone can't deal with the fact that I may disagree with them, then they don't deserve my friendship.

I've developed some pretty intense opinions about things in the past couple of years without really attempting to, but I've never really formed a whole one on the want vs. need topic relating to relationships. Honestly, I think it's what you're out there looking for. When you relate the need of love to the need of oxygen, food, and shelter, it's nothing. But when you relate it to every day life, it's absolutely everything. And I live in a world that I learn to overcome day by day, so I'm going to say that it's a legitimate need. Wanting to love someone is not just want. Some people, like those that need to feel love, need just as strongly, if not more, to give their all to one person and make them believe that they are cared for. Because they would be.

If only I could rant like this to someone specific and not Blogspot, I'd be good. ;)

long distance relationships

one thing i've noticed throughout my several attempts at these things is that you have to have almost a personal checklist of traits in order for it to work. of course, there's the expected: you must be loyal, dedicated, passionate, trustworthy, honest, and entertaining. with a good internet connection most of the time. most of these things are kind of obvious. also, you should actually really like the person you're dating otherwise it's absolutely pointless. the distance is supposed to build you up, not be there as a cushion.

and also, you have to have strengths that are within both individuals that have little to do with the relationship itself, but end up having effect on it. i feel like if you're a generally awkward person in real life, a long distance relationship is even more difficult than it is for the outgoing person. which is how it is for me. i'm so shy in real life and i really only blossom around my close friends. who are also very far away. so how can i not let fear get in the way when there are so many hours doing the same thing?

i don't know. the whole thing is so confusing. i'm either too obvious or an ice queen and there is no middle ground.

what bothers me.

because clearly, that's what keeping a blog is for. am i right? who cares, that's what mine is for at this point in time so deal or don't read. love you all. this blog has no structure at all. i'm just ranting. next time i'll focus on a more specific topic i'm hoping.

first of all, i just want to take a couple minutes and think about what kind of person i've become over the past couple of years. it is literally so confusing to me that if three different people asked me who i am and what has happened recently, my answers would probably all vary. it's not that i would be lying to any of them, it's just that the way i see it constantly changes. when i say constantly, i mean by the minute sometimes. by the hour, by the week. one thing i'm bitter about one day may be something i wake up the next day and feel terrible about. i'm an extremely indecisive person, and i don't think anyone hates it more than i do.

i thought i came to terms with the fact that i am not perfect a while ago, but evidence would suggest otherwise. for example, i constantly blame myself for things that happen when in fact, it's nowhere near my fault. and i know it isn't. it's just easier to blame yourself sometimes because people will accept it and assume you're truthful about it. at least my friends do, i don't know if yours are any better.

a little over a year ago, i was extremely proud of who i was and who i had become. i was proud of the fact that i never had to cuss anyone out, i was proud of being a huge nerd and having wonderful friends both in the area and across the country. i was extremely happy, and it showed in everything i did. i wrote, painted, danced, drew, listened, learned, spoke, did my hair, wore my clothes, and just lived in an enthusiastic manner. and maybe the thing that is bugging me the most is how i don't know where and when that all disappeared. not all of it, i'm sure. i know most of that is just buried under this disgusting layer of whatever hatred i possess.

i always used to preach to my friends how there was not enough room inside of us for hatred and that we needed to fill our every thought and action with love and respect and kindness. but that is totally unrealistic. people, and society in general, are bred to believe that depression is normal. feeling bad about yourself is the norm. it is rare to come across a human being with a constantly positive attitude shining on the outside. it would be ridiculous and impossible to firmly believe that someone out there is happy all the time, but there are some people out there who really go to all limits to make people believe that they are just so they can shed light on others. and that is the kind of person i admire.

i've always wanted to be the kind of person that someone really, truly likes. and i'm not singling out the romantic aspect of it, although sure, that's sweet and nice. it's just an overwhelming feeling to know that someone actually wants to talk to you. they want to know what you're up to, what you've been up to, what you're planning on being up to, and how you are. anyone who actually gives this much of a shit (which actually isn't that much in most people i know's standards) is really admirable to me. and i admire a couple of my friends very much so, just like this. i just never believe often enough that i could be that person.

i'm beginning to realize that i'm actually really sarcastic and even hurtful to people who i don't believe legitimately want to speak with me. i'm not sure when this started happening, but it was sometime in 2010. which, like i've bitched about before, was a generally bad year. just bad. i'm really crossing my fingers that i will have the guts to do all it takes to forcefully make 2011 a better place. i mean, i have high school graduation to look forward to. huzzah. i guess.

but really, there's no need for me to be like this. i'm spiteful to people, but i'm constantly looking for a way to better myself, and sometimes it just comes out wrong. and one thing i never do is apologize. i told myself to only say sorry when i either really meant it or it was really necessary, or both. but more of the former. there's no point in saying sorry if you don't mean it. you're not doing yourself any good, so just don't.

people just need to relax and chill out. you don't always need to think about what you're saying before you say it, but you should have some general idea of what you mean. if you don't say what you mean, that's a problem. and if you don't know what you mean, that's when you should put the thought process into it.

and can i just offer you some advice, blogger? watch out for cute people. cute people who know they're cute, make sure the whole world knows that they know it, and use it to their advantage may be bad. however, cute people who know they're cute and act like they don't know it are even worse. i don't even have a word to describe them. i've met so many of them that it's overwhelming. it's not just the shy person that thinks they're pretty at times but a mess at others. it's the cynical hoebags who think they can get their way with anyone just because they act humble.

nope. not gonna happen. gtfo, cuties.

and now, resume my pride. unless that's what got me here.

one very long hallway

this blog is going to be about my friend situation. or, lack thereof. if you actually read this whole thing, i'll blush from head to toe.

let me just start by saying that i was, if such a thing exists, bred to be a best friend. i care without regret, i give up my own worries for a friend, and i will always be there faster than you can say quidditch. however, some people in my life have thrown these qualities aside, maybe with good reason and maybe without.

it all really started when i was in fourth grade. sure, i'd had friends up until that point and we would have sleepovers every other weekend like most girls our age. i even had what was very close to a best friend, if playing barbies and laughing over the cuteness factors of each other's brothers is considered best friendship. and i guess it is when you're little like that. but it wasn't until fourth grade that i found myself with a real and honest best friend, danielle.

danielle and i spent all of our time together. if i was exagerrating at all, that 'all' wouldn't be in italics. i really mean all when i say it. we literally begged the principals of the three schools we passed through together (middle school, junior high, high school) to place us in the same homeroom before the new year started. granted, this never happened, but danielle and i still managed to find time to make our friendship blossom. we'd pretend to take notes in class, even classes we really enjoyed, and actually scribble lengthy notes to each other that we'd exchange in between periods.

just seeing her handwriting address me would make my day, make me smile and be able to survive the school day without seeing her at lunch. she slept over my house every single weekend, and i'm not sure if you could even call them sleepovers. she would literally ride my bus home every friday and stay until sunday night because her mother didn't want her home. it was an escape for her, which was probably why it hurt so much when she told me she'd basically lied about that.

i guess what hit me the hardest was how in our five years of friendship, i grew to really admire danielle. this wasn't the first time i'd crushed on a girl, but it was the most serious i suppose. i literally was like a clueless puppet of a boy while we were friends, and i didn't interpret my feelings to be overly relevant to anything. so when our differences clashed and she told me she needed space, i never did talk to her again. we were freshmen then and now we're seniors and she's in cyber school, and i haven't seen her a day since. i can't believe it's been four years since i always assumed we'd be best friends until the day we hit the manor home, but that's just life i guess.

right after danielle and i ceased to be friends, about a month or two after actually, when we still avoided eye contact at all possible times in the homeroom we were finally and ironically placed together in in ninth grade, i got a friend request on myspace. at the time, myspace was still really popular and i just assumed it was some other girl who found humor in the fact that i adored a book series enough to convince all of my 500 phony social networking friends that weasley was my real last name.

this girl's name was ivy. she and i began posting on each other's comment sections back and forth, talking about harry potter and our lives in general. we then took our conversation to AIM, another internet facet that's also pretty much dead now. from november until the next june, ivy and i waited desperately to be able to meet each other in person. she lives in southwest virginia and me in southwest pennsylvania, approximately seven hours apart. the amount of traits and interests i had in common with ivy verged on absurdity. we could finish each other's sentences and mention almost any miniscule detail of the harry potter series and know exactly what the other spoke of.

we were supposed to meet in march of 2008 but our plans collapsed, leaving us moping in tears for a week after we'd counted down the days for so long in excitement for our long awaited tackle hug. eventually, though, on the last day of my freshman year of high school, my mom drove me the seven hours and i got to meet ivy in the middle of a deserted virginian walmart parking lot at one in the morning.

i lived with that girl until august. we went to our first harry potter convention together, and no words could ever do justice the feeling of missing that place. we were like sisters, joined at the hip, and it was all our mothers could do not to start to believe that they had gained another daughter. eventually, ivy had to go back home and i didn't see her until the october after that. and i still haven't seen her since that october. it's been twenty four months since i've seen her, and obviously we aren't close like we used to be. we can't even really hold a conversation without getting sidetracked and shutting up.

then came several collab channels i was on on youtube, where the members and i were supposed to be friends. right now i'm on http://www.youtube.com/generationofawesome, where i haven't even been a day of their cycle of over 14 members for a month or so. within a couple weeks i felt like the bane of the existence of the channel and all because i fell in crush like. which is a totally stupid reason, but now it seems i'm never allowing myself happiness again because of it. literally, i'm too bitter to accept that anyone else on the channel is happy or good spirited or any of that jazz.

sure, we're all supposed to be friends. but we're not, and there's no way you can make fourteen strangers be best friends over the internet unless they have the will to. which they obviously don't. i'm desperately in need of a best friend, and i was getting close there for a while until shit fell down on me. i don't know what i did to deserve that, but now i can't talk to anyone about anything remotely serious. my friends will literally not respond to me if i'm upset. i could be five seconds away from suicide and they'd close their phones and roll their eyes.

it just seems like i've gone too long without someone close like a best friend. it's like that saying that when one door closes, another opens. and one door closed. so i'm waiting for the other one to open. but i'm walking down this huge ass hallway that never ends because there is no other door. i refuse to settle for loneliness. i am no luna. i need friends to thrive. college, hurry the hell up. and make sure i'm not like this when i attend you.

honestly, i'm not even best friendless right now. i'm just plain old friendless. i used to at least have friends that i could pretend really liked me, but now all i have is a book i've read a million times through and a bunch of DVDs that reduce me to tears. i'm not even cool enough for the sweatpants and pint of ice cream. who am i, anyway? my friend had a lady gaga party the other day. i am one of the world's biggest gaga enthusiasts. why wasn't i invited? because i'm nameless. okay! cool. enough bitching for today.

one less

one less worry, one less regret
one less friend i've never met
two more fears and a thousand more tears
a hundred more miles and no more smiles
the telephone rings off the hook
you water wilted flowers,
ignore the dead dogwood
enchanted gardens fall to negligence,
dug under the dirt of two thousand and eight

until you put the turn signal of happiness on
you say you've got to have the will
but when will is exchanged for won't
will you live up to what you push?
a voice tells me you'll be one less
one less beacon of light,
when so many down the hall have flickered out
but i hope you end up considering the wilted hydrangea
since you never took the time for trees like me

because i have the time

and the negativity needs to flow out in some other way than what i had planned.

i hate your boyfriend. i hate how he stole you from me without even trying. i hate not knowing whether he tried or not. i hate the way you're so self centered anymore. you're not yourself. i hate how all you can focus on is who we used to be and not what we could amount to. i hate those stupid metal bands that i paid to hear, worthless. i hate your obsessions. i hate your "real" friends. i hate that you move in with someone i can't stand. i hate that all of my friends are closer with each other than i am to any of them. i hate that no matter how long i talk for it seems that i am making no difference or impression upon my listener. i hate that i need to resort to blogging to get my feelings out because no one else will listen to me. i haet angst. i hate being a teenager. i hate hate. i hate the cheesy nutcracker collection that line the shelves above this computer in my brother's room. i hate the facebook messages. i hate the way my friends get idolized for having talent. i hate the way i'm jealous. i hate how you still hang out with your ex girlfriend and pay me no mind. i hate that you don't realize that i like girls. i hate that i like girls. i hate that i hate that. i hate that i've made myself get over all the girls i've fallen for, without hardly trying. i hate never having found one that changed my mind. i hate having to wait 11 more months for anything to change. i hate the fact that i might not even get accepted. i hate that you'll do long distance for anyone that's not me. i hate that you stole from me, lied to me. i hate that you broke my heart. i hate that i told so many people and assumed they'd care. i hate when i'm in a good mood and gush about it and then regret it later because i knew your lack of enthusiasm stemmed from your anticpation of my next heated rant. i hate being a leo. i hate being feisty. i hate being unappreciate, selfish, uncouth. i hate being shy, outspoken, the underdog. i hate being me and i hate being you, i hate that you try to be me. i hate that you moved on to bigger and better things when that is me. i hate that you won't listen to me when you're all i have left here. i hate that i felt the need to write this. i hate that none of my friends really know me. i hate that my thighs ache with soreness, my heart with longing, my head with the cold, and my fingers from writing. i hate that i'm sitting where you sat.