what bothers me.

because clearly, that's what keeping a blog is for. am i right? who cares, that's what mine is for at this point in time so deal or don't read. love you all. this blog has no structure at all. i'm just ranting. next time i'll focus on a more specific topic i'm hoping.

first of all, i just want to take a couple minutes and think about what kind of person i've become over the past couple of years. it is literally so confusing to me that if three different people asked me who i am and what has happened recently, my answers would probably all vary. it's not that i would be lying to any of them, it's just that the way i see it constantly changes. when i say constantly, i mean by the minute sometimes. by the hour, by the week. one thing i'm bitter about one day may be something i wake up the next day and feel terrible about. i'm an extremely indecisive person, and i don't think anyone hates it more than i do.

i thought i came to terms with the fact that i am not perfect a while ago, but evidence would suggest otherwise. for example, i constantly blame myself for things that happen when in fact, it's nowhere near my fault. and i know it isn't. it's just easier to blame yourself sometimes because people will accept it and assume you're truthful about it. at least my friends do, i don't know if yours are any better.

a little over a year ago, i was extremely proud of who i was and who i had become. i was proud of the fact that i never had to cuss anyone out, i was proud of being a huge nerd and having wonderful friends both in the area and across the country. i was extremely happy, and it showed in everything i did. i wrote, painted, danced, drew, listened, learned, spoke, did my hair, wore my clothes, and just lived in an enthusiastic manner. and maybe the thing that is bugging me the most is how i don't know where and when that all disappeared. not all of it, i'm sure. i know most of that is just buried under this disgusting layer of whatever hatred i possess.

i always used to preach to my friends how there was not enough room inside of us for hatred and that we needed to fill our every thought and action with love and respect and kindness. but that is totally unrealistic. people, and society in general, are bred to believe that depression is normal. feeling bad about yourself is the norm. it is rare to come across a human being with a constantly positive attitude shining on the outside. it would be ridiculous and impossible to firmly believe that someone out there is happy all the time, but there are some people out there who really go to all limits to make people believe that they are just so they can shed light on others. and that is the kind of person i admire.

i've always wanted to be the kind of person that someone really, truly likes. and i'm not singling out the romantic aspect of it, although sure, that's sweet and nice. it's just an overwhelming feeling to know that someone actually wants to talk to you. they want to know what you're up to, what you've been up to, what you're planning on being up to, and how you are. anyone who actually gives this much of a shit (which actually isn't that much in most people i know's standards) is really admirable to me. and i admire a couple of my friends very much so, just like this. i just never believe often enough that i could be that person.

i'm beginning to realize that i'm actually really sarcastic and even hurtful to people who i don't believe legitimately want to speak with me. i'm not sure when this started happening, but it was sometime in 2010. which, like i've bitched about before, was a generally bad year. just bad. i'm really crossing my fingers that i will have the guts to do all it takes to forcefully make 2011 a better place. i mean, i have high school graduation to look forward to. huzzah. i guess.

but really, there's no need for me to be like this. i'm spiteful to people, but i'm constantly looking for a way to better myself, and sometimes it just comes out wrong. and one thing i never do is apologize. i told myself to only say sorry when i either really meant it or it was really necessary, or both. but more of the former. there's no point in saying sorry if you don't mean it. you're not doing yourself any good, so just don't.

people just need to relax and chill out. you don't always need to think about what you're saying before you say it, but you should have some general idea of what you mean. if you don't say what you mean, that's a problem. and if you don't know what you mean, that's when you should put the thought process into it.

and can i just offer you some advice, blogger? watch out for cute people. cute people who know they're cute, make sure the whole world knows that they know it, and use it to their advantage may be bad. however, cute people who know they're cute and act like they don't know it are even worse. i don't even have a word to describe them. i've met so many of them that it's overwhelming. it's not just the shy person that thinks they're pretty at times but a mess at others. it's the cynical hoebags who think they can get their way with anyone just because they act humble.

nope. not gonna happen. gtfo, cuties.

and now, resume my pride. unless that's what got me here.