this is just going to be a pretty random and jumbled blog because i have a lot on my mind at once. disclaimer.
so i haven't posted in a little while. i have no excuses and don't really feel like any are necessary. but uhmmm. i'm pretty much giving up on nanowrimo. i thought i had a good idea, but it was just ripped off a movie and i don't feel like writing out shit that's not mine or restarting six days in. plus, this weekend has been kinda strange. i haven't written in a while about anything, really. my friend caleb who i met in july randomly texted me yesterday and told me he was beginning his two week trek to move back to california and wanted to spend the night with me. so he did, and he left several hours ago only to break down an hour ago. so he's getting towed to here around midnight. joy joy joy joy staying up late. good thing i love this kid.
so last night we watched the final battle and made fun of the things that went wrong with it while still appreciating the musical as a whole, planned some evil plans, and ate. when i say ate i mean we almost didn't stop shoving food in our mouths, hahaha. it really felt like the burrow. it's really cheesy, mostly because my mom says it every time, but my whole house honestly feels like a different place when we have someone staying over. it just warms it up and makes my mom and i really happy and genuinely kind. not that we aren't like that at heart all the time, but stress makes us forget a lot of the time. and when we have one of my long distance friends come to stay for a day or so, it changes my mom's and my outlook on everything we've come to know as habitual each day.
and this is, i think, is the main reason why i want to move away so badly. the want is so intense that it drives me to tears and makes me feel as if i'm missing out on something so much bigger. i wake up and my muscles are tired from recognizing everything i see. it's not that i'm unappreciative, i'm really glad i grew up in a room i could make my own and have people's faces that i love all over my walls and look up and see my favorite quote from dumbledore dangling over me. it's just that i want this bedroom in a larger scale. i don't want to only be able to be myself in a flourescent ten by six area for the rest of my life.
i just want a whole city where i can call myself myself. from the time i wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night and i laugh or cry or think myself to sleep, i don't want to fluctuate personalities. never again do i wish to spend a summer as a bitter, coldhearted bitch and then soften up in the fall. i want to always be like this. i want to have love pouring out of my fingertips at a second's call.
it's honestly amusing how often i tell people i have no reason to be here. i really don't know how many other people feel this way. i like to assume that there's a fair amount, but then there's a large part of me that is very aware of the fact that several of my friends are really genuinely proud of where they hail from. i always wished i could have pride like that within me, but it's just not come around. i used to be absolutely terrified of moving when i had a best friend. when would i ever see her again? but i haven't seen her in five years, even though i found a note from her from fifth grade in one of my old coat pockets. err..anyway.
it's because when i spend long periods of just texting my friends and not really feeling much, i'm usually in this perpetually morose mood. i'll talk to people and act really happy, act, even if i really do love them. it's just that over the years i've become some kind of person i don't recognize when i'm alone. but when i'm with friends and that smile is real, i realize what i've been missing out on. and that, blogger, is why it's so hard to leave long distance friends. you never know when you're going to be happy again. it could take nothing more than a skype call.
i would literally rather be anywhere. i'd rather be in iowa with mallory, i'd rather be in lebanon with steph and monica, i'd rather be in ann arbor with sarah, i'd rather be in grand rapids with eva, i'd rather be in canada with patrick, i'd rather be in new jersey with cole and anna, i'd rather be in nyc with my ex boyfriend who hates me now, and i'd rather be in virginia with ivy. i'd rather be in new england with tom and bella. i'd rather be in florida with thomas and amber. i'd rather be in baltimore with alex. i'd rather be in california with zach. i'd rather be anywhere but here. how is that even possible?
so my friend jesse just wrote a really sweet blog about me and i'm returning the favor. i think out of any of my friends, i think jesse feels like this the most. he's a lot like me in general, but i get that sense that he wants to escape a lot. and i don't even think it's because the place he's in is genuinely crappy. i think it's mostly because he's experienced so much of the same shit each day and eventually you just want more. and unlike anything we've experienced in the past, i think jesse and i both really feel like we deserve something new, something more now. at least if he doesn't, he should.
what i appreciate the most about jesse is that we can talk about absolutely anything. and also the fact that it was always that way. there wasn't ever a time when i really wanted to tell him something and didn't feel like i could. and i think that's the most important thing about any kind of relationship with any kind of person. if you can't say what you want, the point of the friendship kind of ceases to exist for me.
another really refreshing thing about this boy is that he's just not someone who's in everyone. there's this aspect of humor that we can always link with each other and it brings a smile to my face every time. i'm more than grateful that he hates the same people i do and has the same favorite wizard rock band that i do. he's just always there. and he makes me want to be a better person. he showed me the definition of forgiveness, and that it doesn't always have to make you feel like shit.
i know if we were to drop everything and hang out right now, we'd have the time of our lives. we could have totally unprecedented, unplanned fun and not worry about when we'd have to leave each other. because he's one of those people who once you leave, you don't worry about the steadiness of the friendship. it's always going to be there whether you like it or not.
so thank you, jesse. for teaching me how to love someone unconditionally. for teaching me to say no when i need to say no. for teaching me to stand up for myself, and for giving me an endless supply of laughter that wouldn't be contagious if it weren't for people like you.
and start dating that blonde girl.
also, he's giving up on nanowrimo with me. feels nice to have a buddy to go "fuck that" with.
