my mom noted the other day, "i don't think tianna's much into the christmas thing."
and i'm really not. for me, christmas is 50% about the snow, 35% about food, 5% about family time, and 10% about sleeping. i really hope that added up.
the whole thing just makes me so sad. buying presents, expecting a lot, giving more than you need to, feeling like your gifts and money are inadequate, people giving and getting shitty gifts, people ignoring their families on the holidays, it just comes back to haunt me every year. the rushing last-minute crowds, the screaming children, the pleading parents - it makes me want to break down and cry.
i like thanksgiving a lot more. i can't put my finger on it, but i think it's mostly because there's no pressure. in my house, thanksgiving has always equaled food, fatness, and football. and absolutely nothing else. christmas is different. it's things like christmas where gifts are a tradition - expected - that makes me miss people (or more accurately, the way they used to be) - my sister, my dad, my family as a whole, myself. this holiday makes me feel like i need to be perfect. it makes me feel like i should be richer. its consumerism makes me feel like i am stuck in an age of cheesy commercials and if-you-don't-have-a-normal-family-at-least-a-normal-holiday-dinner-then-you-dont-know-what-christmas-is. and that consumerist state is where i'm living. and every christmas, there's no way out.
so i'm sorry, mom, if i don't seem too into the christmas thing. i guess 2 hours in a car to wait for a crappy ten minute light show in the pouring rain is not my thing. i'm sorry you get so excited to the point of squealing and i look like a deadbeat in the backseat. i'm truly, truly sorry, because i know it's your thing. i know your parents told you you wouldn't get presents if you didn't believe in santa clause. i know they were different. and i know you're the only one in the family i have left, and i'm sorry we can't even connect on this level while i'm home from school.
