i have a little problem with the green monster. i relentlessly try to ignore him, but he's always there when i least expect it. i don't know what i've done to deserve his company so often, but every corner i turn, every dilemma i solve, there he is waiting for me at the finish line. it's almost as if i can't have friends without having jealousy too. i'm the ron weasley of all of my friendships with everyone - before long i begin to imagine a pedestal underneath their feet, their arm outstretched with a gold medal clutched in their hand.
not only is this a daily reminder to myself that i'm not as witty or skillful or humorous as i think i am, but it's something that takes a toll on all aspects of my life. social, mental, and physical. i'll stay in bed for days hoping that the longing will go away, but when i stand up dizzy there's just another reminder of why i didn't want to end up there in the first place.
all i can ask for is that this envy does not drive me to insane measures. i don't want anything more than a normal life.
