one very long hallway

this blog is going to be about my friend situation. or, lack thereof. if you actually read this whole thing, i'll blush from head to toe.

let me just start by saying that i was, if such a thing exists, bred to be a best friend. i care without regret, i give up my own worries for a friend, and i will always be there faster than you can say quidditch. however, some people in my life have thrown these qualities aside, maybe with good reason and maybe without.

it all really started when i was in fourth grade. sure, i'd had friends up until that point and we would have sleepovers every other weekend like most girls our age. i even had what was very close to a best friend, if playing barbies and laughing over the cuteness factors of each other's brothers is considered best friendship. and i guess it is when you're little like that. but it wasn't until fourth grade that i found myself with a real and honest best friend, danielle.

danielle and i spent all of our time together. if i was exagerrating at all, that 'all' wouldn't be in italics. i really mean all when i say it. we literally begged the principals of the three schools we passed through together (middle school, junior high, high school) to place us in the same homeroom before the new year started. granted, this never happened, but danielle and i still managed to find time to make our friendship blossom. we'd pretend to take notes in class, even classes we really enjoyed, and actually scribble lengthy notes to each other that we'd exchange in between periods.

just seeing her handwriting address me would make my day, make me smile and be able to survive the school day without seeing her at lunch. she slept over my house every single weekend, and i'm not sure if you could even call them sleepovers. she would literally ride my bus home every friday and stay until sunday night because her mother didn't want her home. it was an escape for her, which was probably why it hurt so much when she told me she'd basically lied about that.

i guess what hit me the hardest was how in our five years of friendship, i grew to really admire danielle. this wasn't the first time i'd crushed on a girl, but it was the most serious i suppose. i literally was like a clueless puppet of a boy while we were friends, and i didn't interpret my feelings to be overly relevant to anything. so when our differences clashed and she told me she needed space, i never did talk to her again. we were freshmen then and now we're seniors and she's in cyber school, and i haven't seen her a day since. i can't believe it's been four years since i always assumed we'd be best friends until the day we hit the manor home, but that's just life i guess.

right after danielle and i ceased to be friends, about a month or two after actually, when we still avoided eye contact at all possible times in the homeroom we were finally and ironically placed together in in ninth grade, i got a friend request on myspace. at the time, myspace was still really popular and i just assumed it was some other girl who found humor in the fact that i adored a book series enough to convince all of my 500 phony social networking friends that weasley was my real last name.

this girl's name was ivy. she and i began posting on each other's comment sections back and forth, talking about harry potter and our lives in general. we then took our conversation to AIM, another internet facet that's also pretty much dead now. from november until the next june, ivy and i waited desperately to be able to meet each other in person. she lives in southwest virginia and me in southwest pennsylvania, approximately seven hours apart. the amount of traits and interests i had in common with ivy verged on absurdity. we could finish each other's sentences and mention almost any miniscule detail of the harry potter series and know exactly what the other spoke of.

we were supposed to meet in march of 2008 but our plans collapsed, leaving us moping in tears for a week after we'd counted down the days for so long in excitement for our long awaited tackle hug. eventually, though, on the last day of my freshman year of high school, my mom drove me the seven hours and i got to meet ivy in the middle of a deserted virginian walmart parking lot at one in the morning.

i lived with that girl until august. we went to our first harry potter convention together, and no words could ever do justice the feeling of missing that place. we were like sisters, joined at the hip, and it was all our mothers could do not to start to believe that they had gained another daughter. eventually, ivy had to go back home and i didn't see her until the october after that. and i still haven't seen her since that october. it's been twenty four months since i've seen her, and obviously we aren't close like we used to be. we can't even really hold a conversation without getting sidetracked and shutting up.

then came several collab channels i was on on youtube, where the members and i were supposed to be friends. right now i'm on http://www.youtube.com/generationofawesome, where i haven't even been a day of their cycle of over 14 members for a month or so. within a couple weeks i felt like the bane of the existence of the channel and all because i fell in crush like. which is a totally stupid reason, but now it seems i'm never allowing myself happiness again because of it. literally, i'm too bitter to accept that anyone else on the channel is happy or good spirited or any of that jazz.

sure, we're all supposed to be friends. but we're not, and there's no way you can make fourteen strangers be best friends over the internet unless they have the will to. which they obviously don't. i'm desperately in need of a best friend, and i was getting close there for a while until shit fell down on me. i don't know what i did to deserve that, but now i can't talk to anyone about anything remotely serious. my friends will literally not respond to me if i'm upset. i could be five seconds away from suicide and they'd close their phones and roll their eyes.

it just seems like i've gone too long without someone close like a best friend. it's like that saying that when one door closes, another opens. and one door closed. so i'm waiting for the other one to open. but i'm walking down this huge ass hallway that never ends because there is no other door. i refuse to settle for loneliness. i am no luna. i need friends to thrive. college, hurry the hell up. and make sure i'm not like this when i attend you.

honestly, i'm not even best friendless right now. i'm just plain old friendless. i used to at least have friends that i could pretend really liked me, but now all i have is a book i've read a million times through and a bunch of DVDs that reduce me to tears. i'm not even cool enough for the sweatpants and pint of ice cream. who am i, anyway? my friend had a lady gaga party the other day. i am one of the world's biggest gaga enthusiasts. why wasn't i invited? because i'm nameless. okay! cool. enough bitching for today.