UGH.

i'm sitting in internship class. you have to pass it to graduate. it's kind of overwhelming. whelp. might as well start complaining!

it's only 9:22 in the morning and it's already been a pretty shitty day.
i woke up at 5:40 am and shoveled a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch and soymilk down my throat, chugged gingerale (ew? weird combination) and took a 3 minute shower. i never take morning showers. this was weird.

then i ran to the bus stop, stood there for about 10 minutes in the freezin' cold with wet hair, and watched my bus come. and then watched my bus pass me. and then listened as the kids who wait at the same bus stop as me but don't attend the same school as me laugh at me. then i walked around the block, down two streets and then back home. then sat on tumblr for an hour and came to school, where i sat in silence for an hour. this would be because my art class is full of douchebags and drew a penis on someone's folder. in paint. and no one will fess up, so we sat in silence and got zeroes until someone does. lol. can college come any sooner? jesus christ.

and now i'm on formspring and someone just asked:

"why are u such an ugly lesbian dike? i'm sick of looking at gaytards likes you."

WOW. I'M NOT SURE HOW TO BEGIN IN RESPONDING TO YOUR WELL THOUGHT OUT QUESTION, ASSHOLE.

and now my internship teacher is trying to tell me that my vegan cooking internship is not possible. even though i gave her a location for me to go. WHAT? what sense does this make? none, i tell you.
i will get through the day if it kills me.

always do they say it's
fine
stop worrying
put your pencils down
if you twist it to its advantage,
insanity is something worth
dying for

i want to go on the best roadtrip ever.

a post senior year road trip for me would honestly be better than a senior trip of any sort. i dunno what you think of when you hear the word "roadtrip", but this is what i want on mine:

1.) the best of best friends.
2.) absolutely no drama.
3.) endless laughter.
4.) music, whether we know all the words or not.
5.) a group reading of a book (not including the driver.)
6.) documentation of each state we enter.
7.) absurd rest stops.
8.) a plethora of inside jokes that everyone gets.
9.) driving at night.
10.) unhealthy snacks.
11.) care. free.
12.) candid photos.
13.) air conditioning.
14.) faking finding margo.
15.) gossip about grade school.
16.) latoya.
17.) relating everything to harry potter.
18.) funny road signs.
19.) eating at a restaurant just because of its name.
20.) being able to say we're done with another year of school.
21.) feeling infinite.
22.) peeing in a bottle.
23.) smiles left and right.
24.) minivan.
25.) picking up more people on the way.
26.) ukulele.
27.) imitating each other's laughter.
28.) story time.
29.) holding hands.
30.) seeing the last harry potter movie together.
31.) buffalo sighting.
32.) i spy.
33.) accents changing as we go.
34.) doesn't even matter when we're out of service.
35.) vegan cookies.
36.) sour patch kids.
37.) shoeless.
38.) booty shorts.
39.) choking on food laughing.
40.) freestylin' about scenery.
41.) quote book.
42.) dvd player.
43.) braiding each other's hair.
44.) giggling over the cute waiter.
45.) flipping off the pittsburgh sign.
46.) "girlfriend, you need a hat."
47.) vlogging.
48.) crazy looks when we stop to get gas.
49.) no check ups from crazy parents.
50.) nappy hair from the wind.

the list goes on.

i don't even know

i don't know what hurts the most - the part where i was led on, or the part where i would've preferred being lied to.
the part where i believed it or the part where i needed it.
that i want it to be how it was but i need to start fresh.
that i care too much to let go and hurt too much to hold on.
that i cry too much to be cheerful and laugh too much to be morose.
that i wish too much to move on and accustom myself to rejection too much to be surprised.
that i still want you too much to be friends.
that i still mope when i'm not distracted.
that i'm still never too distracted enough not to mope.
that i still feel worthless and friendless and unloved and i shouldn't.
ever.
i'm too good for this. why can't i believe it even though i know it deep down?
why? because your face just screams 'fuck you' in every way possible. how?
it's just a face.
time to grow up.
but i know that even when i do figure out what really hits the bruise in the right spot, i'll just be more upset.
and i think that's what stings the most, at least.

i blog about reality all the time

it's so hard for me to stop wishing something would happen. like, you know, getting over someone and all that jazz. because i've had my head in the clouds all my life, i'm used to bending the rules of normality to get what i want. and it's just hard to sit back and watch people adapt to 'pure reality' and be stuck with nothing but my dreams to keep me going. and when those are crushed, i'm absolutely clueless on what to do next. i get really depressed, but that's not the worst part. it's the getting better that's hard, because sometimes i'll have moments and segments of days where it seems like everything is getting better. but it's not. it's all a trick, and when it actually does get better, how will i keep my dreams out of the reality i'm trying to pursue? i don't even know if reality is worth any attention i could give. my life.

where i'm from

I'm just gonna post lots of poems I write in school here, kkz? :)

I am from the frog pond,
from quads I didn't want to ride
and swimming pools I was too embarrassed to get in
(chlorine, cousins
who thought of me
as a city rat)
I am from the bleeding heart plant,
the treehouse in the woods
my brother and sister built
now just a memory.

I am from roadtrips,
from Diane and Tara.
I'm from Alanis Morisette
and James Taylor,
from pirouettes and plies.
I'm from a wardrobe of
fur coats and fawns.

I'm from gingerale,
broken mugs and neglected tea.
From acoustic guitars,
power chords and Vienna sausage.
I am from the eight-sided circle
reading "stop Voldemort"
at the bottom of the hill,
far off in Virginia,
or a castle across the seas
from Silly Strawberry toothpaste
and the Walmart parking lot
all of the magic
stowed away, kept in blogs
and annual conventions
the kind of interaction I was born for

50 ways to convince people you're magic

i wrote this for poetry class. when it's written out on the page it looks a lot cooler, with like 20 of them on one page, but i ain't tryna confuse myself by replicatin' that on blogger. whuddair. my teacher clearly loves me. yeahyeah, i know i'm clever.

1.
offer
a ride
in your
flying car

2.
keep checking
the mailbox
the letter
will come

3.
yell
LUMOS
at the
light switch

4.
sew
an
invisibility
cloak

5.
join
the
quidditch
team

6.
invisible friends:
ron
and
hermione

7.
purchase
a
magic
wand

8.
get
fitted
for
robes

9.
stupefy
the
school
bully

10.
beg dad
to grow
hagrid's
beard

11.
recreate
tom
riddle's
diary

12.
"has
anyone
seen my
horcrux?"

13.
get
adopted
by
molly

14.
make
your
own
spells

15.
pregnant?
name
her
hermione

16.
write a
musical
about
it

17.
claim
you're
a
metamorphmagus

18.
listen
to
wizard
rock

19.
refuse
the
3rd
floor

20.
actually
believe
in
nargles

21.
love
poems
to
gilderoy

22.
security guard?
no,
that's
filch!

23.
only
sleep
in
four posters

24.
request a
government
time
turner

25.
there
has to be
ginger
hair dye

26.
lose
count of
the
rereads

27.
cosplay draco
even if
you're
a girl

28.
no
fighting
just
dueling

29.
"make
love
not
horcruxes"

30.
wand
always
at the
ready

31.
harry potter
posters
count as
wallpaper

32.
study
your
star
sign

33.
you're not
riding a horse,
you're a
centaur

34.
make
your own
radish
earrings

35.
pass out
anti-
umbridge
flyers

36.
palin
and
voldemort
2012

37.
it's not
halloween,
but i'm still
luna

38.
crucio
when
things
get bad

39.
50 ways
to make
voldemort
mad

40.
horn-rimmed
glasses? must
work for
the ministry

41.
you're a
catholic,
i'm a
potterist

42.
mom, i'm
scared for
school
tomorrow.

43.
what if
they put
me in
slytherin?

44.
you're a
quarterback,
i'm a
beater

45.
the whomping
willow has
feelings
too

46.
defacing property?
just letting them
know the
chamber's open

47.
no castle?
not applying
to your
school

48.
in your
next life,
haunt the
bathroom

49.
my child
is a
NEWT
student

50.
toyota?
have you
heard of
the nimbus?