i don't even know

i don't know what hurts the most - the part where i was led on, or the part where i would've preferred being lied to.
the part where i believed it or the part where i needed it.
that i want it to be how it was but i need to start fresh.
that i care too much to let go and hurt too much to hold on.
that i cry too much to be cheerful and laugh too much to be morose.
that i wish too much to move on and accustom myself to rejection too much to be surprised.
that i still want you too much to be friends.
that i still mope when i'm not distracted.
that i'm still never too distracted enough not to mope.
that i still feel worthless and friendless and unloved and i shouldn't.
ever.
i'm too good for this. why can't i believe it even though i know it deep down?
why? because your face just screams 'fuck you' in every way possible. how?
it's just a face.
time to grow up.
but i know that even when i do figure out what really hits the bruise in the right spot, i'll just be more upset.
and i think that's what stings the most, at least.