Dignity Thief: An Identity Thief Review

Tonight I had the absolute pleasure of sitting down to a movie with my mom. I was a little bit tired when it started, but I had no idea what it was about. And usually watching movies with my mom is relaxing, especially after we spent all day doing chores.

This time it wasn't so relaxing.

I only had a vague idea who Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman were when it started, so I wasn't really jumping in my seat. But it didn't take too long for me to be totally turned off. I'm probably the worst person at predicting movies or even understanding what they're about as they happen. I just need time to process everything and that aha! moment doesn't really happen for me until like, my third time watching it.

But I could see through this movie within 5 minutes. He was going to become bff with his identity thief in the end, and he wouldn't turn her in. Yup. I was right. I spent the whole 111 minutes waiting for the brilliant ending to happen where they kiss and make up and decide McCarthy stealing Bateman's identity was no big whoop. But that actually happened not even halfway through the movie, so cue my boredom.

This movie was just transparent in every aspect - from the you-have-one-week-to-chase-her plot to the beautiful-wife-who-he-really-loves at home. I feel like this is Planes, Trains, and Automobiles gone wrong. I mean, McCarthy is more annoying in Identity Theft than John Candy - the "villain" - is in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. And that's saying something. None of her comments were funny. My mom and I usually share a look and a snort when something in a movie is so stupid we have to laugh at it. But this was so bad our eyes were glued to the screen in absolute sticky revulsion.

Everything about McCarthy's and Bateman's characters was stereotypical. McCarthy wants to get in Bateman's pants even though she stole his identity. Hilarious. She is a vapid, "quirky," "easy," manipulative, airheaded woman who makes sexist jokes, and I don't see how anyone could like her or laugh at anything she says. Here's one of my favorites:

Bateman: "Do you wanna buckle up?"
McCarthy: "Do you wanna take your tampon out?"

What the hell does that even mean? Oh, no, sorry, I already know. It means having a vagina to insert tampons in is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing, and you should be ashamed of it. It also equates having a vagina to being a woman, which is seen as a very harsh insult to Bateman's character. Boo hoo. This brings me to my next point, which is that the film was not just not good, it was also very triggering. At one point, an old white dude - I don't even remember why he was in the movie at all - calls Bateman a t****y in attempts to make him feel like shit for being compared to a woman. Oh, we didn't have enough sexism to complete your order, so here, have a scoop of cissexism. I almost walked out of the room at that point - and I should have - but I wanted to see how far this train wreck would go.

And it went really far. And it crashed. Honestly, I feel dirty even writing about this movie. Bateman smashes McCarthy's head with a guitar and various other heavy objects - and we're supposed to encourage him. "I'm a lady!" McCarthy cries while Bateman climbs on top of her and beats her. We're supposed to go, "So what? Beat that bitch!" Cue my need to vomit.

Violence, excessive adherence to traditional gender roles, and sexist jokes are not my cup of tea. Also, racism. The ones committing the identity theft are white, while the ones chasing them because McCarthy stole from them - they're a black man and a Latina woman. Lovely. So even when the white people commit crimes, we're still supposed to sympathize with them - I mean, seriously, who could sympathize with a person of color? I'm shocked they didn't bust out the N word.

So aside from saying "no homosexuals here," shoving a black man and a Latina woman into a trunk and driving away, calling someone a "vagina hermaphrodite," giving an opportunity to Amanda Peet's character to tell someone off and having her go "thanks lol :)"... this movie was, you know, great!

And let's talk about the ending. McCarthy turns herself in to the police and Bateman's family goes to visit her for... whatever reason. And what does McCarthy have to say about prison life?

"Some of these prison dykes are trying to get up in my sweet junk."

Oh, wow. What a new one. Prison dykes, huh? Bet the screenwriter was really proud of that one. Amanda Peet, who plays Bateman's wife, then tries to tell her young daughters that "my sweet junk" really means... But McCarthy interjects with, "If you see a female bear with cornrows coming at you, you deflect them like this!" And she makes a cross with her fingers.

I'm sorry, but - what the fuck? This is some serious casual racism and heterosexism that is going to fly over so many viewers' heads.

And you know what the worst part is? This is scary. It's not just a bad movie. It teaches us so many lessons that are packed into each joke, each sexist line. It reminded me of the intense internalized heterosexism I used to harbor, and that is one of the most horrifying feelings in the world. It feels like I'm living outside of my body. While watching this, I had to actively fight to remind myself that I am not a bad person. I am not a sinner. I am not a "dyke." I should not be ridiculed because of my sexual orientation. But I am, and movies like this only promote that ideal. And that is scary.

Throughout the movie there was a running gag of... punching people in the jaw. So it shouldn't come as a surprise - but it comes as a racist surprise nonetheless - when the movie ends with just that. This time, it's a black woman working at the prison who tells McCarthy to get back inside, "bitch." McCarthy then punches the black woman in the jaw. The woman falls to the ground. Cue the victorious music and the end of the movie and 111 painful minutes wasted.

Here's your casual reminder that movies like this are still in theaters. People get paid to trigger people like this. 0/10 do not recommend.

On Westboro Baptist, Religion, & Heterosexism

Where to begin? I was going to make a video out of this material, but I figured I would be more eloquent if I wrote it down. And hopefully more people view this than my YouTube videos (lolz).

You’ve heard of how horrific Westboro Baptist is. You probably saw that interview with Russell Brand. They’re messed up, right? 

We have to remind ourselves that Westboro Baptist is, yes, horrific, but an extreme example of horrificness. They are not alone in their views. You can be heterosexist and be much more subtle about it, and when Westboro speaks [some] people toss their shit in the air and scream because they can’t handle such extremist views, when actually, that same extremist view is filtered down and dissipated onto, like, all of us. From the time we’re born we’re taught being straight is right. It’s normal, that’s why it’s lawful.

Here’s your friendly reminder that heterosexism and its effects come in a ridiculous array of forms. I am emphasizing the effects because most people would not agree that it is necessarily heterosexist for a countless amount of people to glare at my girlfriend and I holding hands or kissing in public. A glance is not necessarily heterosexist. But it can not be separated from heterosexism. Heterosexism is a belief. It can be acted upon in any number of ways, from subtle (mean looks) to extreme (Westboro. I’m not saying they’re THE MOST heterosexist thing ever, but hopefully you get the point).

As far as subtle goes, I’ve heard my whole life that “homosexuals” need “praying for.” Okay. Let’s take a step back for a second. Is it the 1950s? Do we really have to use “a homosexual” to define people? How often do people come out and say “I’m a homosexual”? “A homosexual.” As if it is the dirtiest, most condemning disease you could contract. Can we just drop “homosexual” as a noun? Shit.

I digress. So why do we need praying for? We don’t. I first kissed a girl when I was about 6 years old (that’s a different story) and I didn’t start realizing I had feelings for girls until I was about 12 and I was falling in love with my best friend. This is because society screamed silently at me, endlessly, to make me believe that IT’S ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE! Straight is the way, damn it!

Recently my parents have taken to buying my brother’s girlfriend nice things and treating her like a daughter. My cousin just got married to his girlfriend and more family attended their wedding than we even have. My other cousin who’s a year younger than me just got engaged today and is moving into a house with his girlfriend. My other cousin is keeping his and his girlfriend’s new baby from his family until they get “their shots updated.” Imagine those situations with a gay couple and how outsiders would view them. Meanwhile, my girlfriend has always been “Tianna’s friend” and nothing more. And it shouldn’t be that way.

I have had the amazing opportunity to attend a college with a lesbian chaplain, and as a co-president of our Queer Student Union I hosted a Religious & Queer Identities Panel at our school. That chaplain said, “Your sexual orientation is not a sin.” At the same panel, a religion professor said, “Anyone who says ‘love the sinner hate the sin’ is just trying to excuse their bigotry.” The same professor also said that you should not be ashamed for cutting ties with people who preach “love the sinner, hate the sin.” These women’s words will stay nestled in my heart forever, because I know what they said is true, and for once I had someone voice that truth back to me. If theists knew their religious texts so well, they would know that your sexual orientation is not a sin. I have distanced myself without shame from people who ridiculously believe that I need prayed for by a god I don’t even believe in.

Which leads me to my next point. As an atheist, I am torn between anger and laughter when someone says I am going to hell or that they are praying for me. In case you haven’t noticed, atheists do not believe in the concept of hell. So, yeah, empty threat there. Also, why are you praying for me? Why? Look at your life, look at your choices. I don’t need you to pray for me. I would not ask for that. I do not need it. It makes me sick to think about. Stop it. Stop it right now. I am a queer atheist. I am a queer atheist. I am a queer atheist and I don’t need your shit.

Lastly, stop being creepy. Stop prying into my life and worrying about what I do in bed. Would you even know if I “act on my homosexuality” without me telling you? Are you imagining me in various lesbian sex positions at all hours of the day? What is your fascination with queer people? Stop praying for me. Just stop. And start realizing the effect heterosexism has on not just society, but on you as an individual.