i am an ocean

i am an ocean
twisting and turning,
you would groan under the weight
of my mind that remembers

you said french style green beans are a sin
you said it was a pleasure
to talk to me for 6 hours
to tickle me at a concert
when you knew i'd shriek
just as lauren was about to sing

that was the first time we let our guard down
when i leaned over and kissed your sloppy lips
in my bedroom with beautiful women hugging the walls
i brushed back your hair and thought,
baby, you're beautiful
in all your femininity

and i didn't even think i could've wanted something else
that i was wrong
maybe we were the sin, not me, not by myself
cause how can one atheist defy any god
you were not meant for me

you probably don't remember my green bean preference.

i am an ocean,
salty tears lapping up the gasoline
of your temp job at the pumps.

cool

i told you it was cool,
cause i wanted to shrug it off at the time.
hide behind the bushes and jump out,
"guess what? i forgive you!"
and you were proud of me, you said,
"i'm glad we're cool."

and i guess we were, we were cool.
we even shared a few words afterward.
but then the blanket of silence fell,
snow inside my head,
and i knew you never gave a damn about me
in the first place.

i know it was just an online thing,
but my heart could've sprinted a 5k
just thinking about your smile.
i wish i would've been more honest now,
told you how i'd spend a whole half hour
thinking of what to say to you.
i took it so seriously
and you probably still think we're cool -
a silent friendship,
cool.