Holidays? Whateva.

I would say that the majority of my friends and acquaintances are holiday people. In other words, they are somewhat obsessed with decoration, family time, and unnecessarily cheesy holiday cards. Not once in my life have I been able to understand this. I've never fully accepted Christianity or baskets full of calories, so I find no joy in Easter. I have always been single on Valentine's Day, so it doesn't affect me at all. I don't eat very much candy and children scare me, so Halloween is just another night in. I dislike champagne and loud noise, and staying up till midnight is almost a nightly occurrence, so New Year's isn't that big of a blast. I'm a vegan, so "Turkey Day" isn't all that appealing to me. Also, the winter weather is horrid, and how anyone could celebrate by maxing out their credit cards and calling it love is beyond me.

For example, I'm always up to helping out my mother whether she calls for it or not, but laboring over plastic lights to decorate the house just exhausts my mental stability. I can't fathom how the ideas of cutting down pine trees and shoving them in the corner of your living room or hunting down a flock of turkeys for the dinner table is culturally acceptable. Posting thankful blogs, tweets, and facebook statuses seems so incredibly shallow to me. Why not do this any time it feels appropriate? It's sure fine and dandy that there's a holiday dedicated to stuffing your face with a wild animal, but why is this accompanied with false well-wishings and compliments? If someone's been there for you your whole life, you better damn well thank them all the time. It's so much more logical to thank someone for saving your life, cooking you dinner, or loving you unconditionally than just because it's the end of November and oh gosh, what if you never get to thank them again?

Don't even get me started on Christmas. If I wanted to have a [real or fake] tree in the area of my house that I utilize the least, I would, and there's nothing wrong with not having the motivation to put one there. Just because I feel that there are worthier things to spend money on than gifts for people who probably won't appreciate them in the long run anyway doesn't mean I'm shallow or lack the ability to have fun. If that was true, I wouldn't invite my friends over around the holidays. I wouldn't want to see anyone, and I'm definitely not a total Grinch.

My lack of enthusiasm for the holidays only worries me a bit when I think about my potential children's happiness. What if I just sit around every holiday like I do now and don't give a crap about decorations or pretty things around the house or holiday light shows or family time? Assuming I have a legitimate family in the future, unlike now, of course. One of the most magical things about being a child is looking forward to Santa Clause, school breaks for the holidays, and Valentines in the classroom - at least for me it was. I enjoyed festivities at one point even if I think they're ridiculous now. Should I feign excitement about the holidays when I'm older, is that parents do when they lose heart?

My mother, for one, always acts as wholeheartedly excited about the holidays as ever. Every December she's quick to let me know how her parents would never buy her anything if she downright claimed that Santa Clause didn't exist. This is all fine and well, but why does an abundance of electricity need to accompany this belief - along with annual arguments about whose turn it is to scrub the walls and the banister so that the fake Christmas wreaths don't collect even more dust than they already have? It really doesn't make sense. Neither does the overlarge, stuffed santa in the living room or the holiday bows tacked to the walls or the thirty dollar penguin that waves at whoever walks in the room - which is a 50/50 chance considering only two people occupy my house.

Really, though. Who do we decorate for? We don't invite the neighbors over and they've stopped barging in. My friends couldn't care less if I deck the halls or dress up like an elf, not at all. And splurging on holiday gifts is as ridiculous as paying $160 to get into a college. It's not necessary and won't ever be. I always leave the table early on Thanksgiving, and I've always forgotten that Christmas stockings even existed. There's no more excitement, and while I can attribute some of my lack of fun to my grandma's death, most of it is just my general mopiness.

There's my cold-hearted rant. Bye now.

why

don't my friends talk to me when i'm sad?
why is it that they only will listen when i'm happy?
why is it that i could be bawling my eyes out for hours, but if someone calls i immediately must regain mental metal?
why is this the norm, when i should be spilling my feelings?
why am i one of those people who know that release of emotions of good, yet no one will let her do it?
why, you dumb bitches, whYYY?

jealousy

i have a little problem with the green monster. i relentlessly try to ignore him, but he's always there when i least expect it. i don't know what i've done to deserve his company so often, but every corner i turn, every dilemma i solve, there he is waiting for me at the finish line. it's almost as if i can't have friends without having jealousy too. i'm the ron weasley of all of my friendships with everyone - before long i begin to imagine a pedestal underneath their feet, their arm outstretched with a gold medal clutched in their hand.

not only is this a daily reminder to myself that i'm not as witty or skillful or humorous as i think i am, but it's something that takes a toll on all aspects of my life. social, mental, and physical. i'll stay in bed for days hoping that the longing will go away, but when i stand up dizzy there's just another reminder of why i didn't want to end up there in the first place.

all i can ask for is that this envy does not drive me to insane measures. i don't want anything more than a normal life.

go with the flow

some people just never know when they can expect better, you know?

like, they'll break up with someone because they either feel like they need to or their friends talked them into it or maybe they were broken up with. but they float in space, convincing themselves that they can't find better after months and months of looking. and i think this is so sad because it's so understandable.

you never, ever know what's coming next or what to expect. yet your mind places these images of what should be in the back of your brain and when it isn't real, all is chaos. is it so much to ask that our minds would just be put to rest and let spontaneity roll off the wind and divide itself where it may?

i just think there is too much thought placed upon where, when, how, and why things happen. if we just went with the flow, there would be no worries like these. they're just that - worrisome, pointless, silly. pushing them far away would do humankind in general a lot of good

i think this is why people tell me i should get high with them.

Look before you leap.

I found myself with the urge to blog, and so here I am, Blogger. I thought it'd be pretty silly to ignore the avalanche of words in my head, so here they come, spilling out one by one as if they have an out box.

For reasons that I'm not going to go into detail about on here, not like anyone really reads it anyway, I started once again pondering my decision on attending LeakyCon 2011. Yeah, it's just a Harry freaking Potter convention. It's really not that big of a deal. You go or you don't. You spend the money or you save up for college. You act out your favorite character on stage or you sit at home and mope.

But over the last three years, my emotions have gotten mixed into the blur that were the three conventions I've attended. This has happened so much so that when asked what I thought of each individual conference, I usually don't even know where to begin with a reply. Therefore, I'll tell exaggerated stories of what happened based on what I know I felt like. These things could have easily been changed, and every year pre-convention it seems they'll be smoothed out. But somehow, some way, I end up letting petty things get to me.

The fact that I feel guilty a lot of the time is probably a very prevalent factor in my less than satisfactory enjoyment of Harry Potter conventions. You would think, after nine years of loving a book series, that that's what the main focus would be at a location where hundreds and thousands of fans have congregated. Close friends and relatives have always congratulated me on my admirable utilization of the phrase "look before you leap."

When aforementioned information was found out, I began to roll my eyes and then giggle to myself at the stupidity of some of the people I used to find some of my closest friends - and in some cases, more than that. I just can't fathom in my mind how I didn't turn over the consequences in my mind before I acted on impulse. It used to be such an important, valued step for me to take before I made any decision in my life. Maybe that's just what happens when you start dating, who knows.

My mind flitted from the conductor's emotional trainwreck that was Infinitus to the passenger's emotional trainwreck that was Azkatraz. Before I attended these cons, I made lists of things I needed to both accomplish and avoid at them. Did I end up completing the things on my list? Did I even give the lists a second thought once I'd arrived? Hell no I didn't, and it's because I'm always too bothered by what my friends think, or making sure my friends are happy.

I wouldn't argue that the latter is a genuinely good thing, but when it gets in the way of my own well-being, it becomes a problem. And when hundreds of dollars are being forked over only for this to happen, it's an even bigger problem. So really, although there might be people who actually want me to go to LeakyCon, I'm crazy for going. But if I have any wits about me, I'll be single this time.

Right... already failing at that one.

i wrote this 2 mays ago but i still like it.

it's about a friend who gets more attention than me.


strands of grass arch in your direction
bristle at your presence
come to say hello
precipitation pitter patters on your frozen windows
but that’s just plan b

the heavens above no know god
unless they are admiring you
kneeling in the pews
singing their hymns
musty church fumes getting to their head

nature envies you
forest green with spite
though the oak will never admit to this
their blooms got the memo
you were coming to visit

even the insects buzz after you furiously
my brow knits together and I look down
upon my own brightly patterned socks
even the wasps shake your hand
that’s alright with me

a tabby cat sniffs after your shoes
its dusty odor will copy your every move
her whiskers flex and form to fit your glass of fragility
and the frosted sweetness of your mother opening your eyes
in her dreams

diamonds yield serpentine warnings
whispering to you, take my exit
once you reach the fork in the road
yet I could drive right by
tumbleweed would even dodge my tires

your ears save miraculous ideas
when they begin the fall to the sewer
sounds I cannot approach give way to you
the hands I know so well,
crushing the hibiscus plant on my windowsill

in a heartbeat

insufferable

one of the worst things is the encountering of someone who is absolutely insufferable. no matter how much you try to console them, they will bounce your help right off of you. despite your legitimate concern and genuine longing for them to get better, they refuse to accept any kind of guidance. and this, i think, is what i'm scared of the most. if not the most, it's definitely near the peak of the list.

i think this feeling is most commonly associated with teenage angst, which is extremely truthful. most of time, teenagers want to solve problems on their own, which never really works out how they'd thought it would. some of them are really so insatiable that this attitude carries out through adulthood, and that's what i'm trying my best to avoid. i never want to be so closed up that i bounce opinions off my steel armor.

if this is all i ever accomplish with my life, then i'll die knowing i tried as hard as i could to attain happiness. even if i never achieve any other goals, i'll know that i'll have had my doors open for newcomers. not slamming opportunities closed is something we all need to work on, but especially budding adults, because whether you choose to shed your light on others or not, your own soul should be well acquainted with it.