Lately, I've been arguing with almost all of my friends. Naturally, this makes me feel really shitty. But what I'm feeling that I wasn't expecting is stubbornness. I know I'm stubborn and I have been for as long as I can remember. But I just don't understand why all of a sudden I seem to be changing and everyone's staying in place. It kind of scares me sometimes because it seems like I'll lose all my friends, especially the long distance ones. But how can I when I'm being so practical? I'm not a horrible person, am I?
Day 3, NaNoWriMo: 6,767.
03 November 2009
27 October 2009
"freaking out" vs "personality"
Okay, seriously: since when has having a colorful personality become constituted as "freaking out"? You can't be "chill" about everything. We humans tend to form opinions about our surroundings and the relationships we have with people, and the people themselves. I guess if that's considered freaking out, so be it. I've gratefully learned to grab hold of my emotions, soak them in, and then release them. Letting your feelings run wild is the best path to release, and that includes speaking your mind at any given time. I've come so far, climbed up to the very top rung of this ladder, and now I'm being told I'm freaking out just for sharing my opinion. Can you gather what people are feeling just by what they say? No, because humans often speak on a whim. It's one of our many downsides. What really matters is the way they say it, and I wish more people could see it this way. Maybe they do and I'm living in fear. Maybe I've been prejudiced and blinded this entire time.
I'm beginning to think that sometimes when we believe people are becoming brainwashed, we're in the process of, and just as vulnerable to, being brainwashed by our own selves. I can't let myself get too wrapped up in the idea of someone else being brainwashed, or else the idea of their brains fogging over will become the only thought in my mind, washing out all other ideas that otherwise would have naturally occurred to me. I'm not exactly sure if the way I phrase it is very articulate, but it makes sense in my brain. That's another thing I'm trying to work on, saying just what I mean. And to stop stuttering, gosh. I wonder if there's anyone who just never stutters.
But really. I think it's the epitome of immaturity when you simply disregard someone's opinions and strong attitude toward something and just refer to it as "freaking out." Is this implying that the accuser never freaks out? Because in my situation, that's definitely not true. If you apparently understand that someone's freaking out who you're trying to deal something out with, aren't you going to try to reason with them and not let them get carried away? Unless you want them to go away, in which case you should just tell the goddamn truth.
I'm also starting to believe some people are born without a heart.
I'm beginning to think that sometimes when we believe people are becoming brainwashed, we're in the process of, and just as vulnerable to, being brainwashed by our own selves. I can't let myself get too wrapped up in the idea of someone else being brainwashed, or else the idea of their brains fogging over will become the only thought in my mind, washing out all other ideas that otherwise would have naturally occurred to me. I'm not exactly sure if the way I phrase it is very articulate, but it makes sense in my brain. That's another thing I'm trying to work on, saying just what I mean. And to stop stuttering, gosh. I wonder if there's anyone who just never stutters.
But really. I think it's the epitome of immaturity when you simply disregard someone's opinions and strong attitude toward something and just refer to it as "freaking out." Is this implying that the accuser never freaks out? Because in my situation, that's definitely not true. If you apparently understand that someone's freaking out who you're trying to deal something out with, aren't you going to try to reason with them and not let them get carried away? Unless you want them to go away, in which case you should just tell the goddamn truth.
I'm also starting to believe some people are born without a heart.
12 October 2009
well, there goes a layer of my skin.
What. The. Hell.
Okay so it's Monday, no school because it's Columbus Day, and last night I went to bed at around four in the morning. Not really that unusual except for the fact that I've been going to bed at like 11pm now. I'm trying to become a faster reader and all that jazz. Even though speed isn't really that important, but my old creative writing teacher is begging me to read The Hunger Games and I really want to as well, so I'm trying to hurry up. I still have some library books out too that I already renewed a long time ago so.. that can't be good.
Anyway, I woke up at eleven a.m., rolled out of bed, and was told by my mom that there was a calico kitten on the front porch mewing its face off. She said my older calico cat had been pawing at the door which is ironic because the older one hates our tabby kitten. :( anyway I ran downstairs and it was gone, and my mom had left for a doctor's appointment, so I put food and water on the porch and basically stared out the glass front door for like an hour and ate vegan pizza for breakfast. Eventually I gave up and went back upstairs to practice guitar for my show next month when I heard mewing and sort of like mousy noises coming from outside, so I ran down and saw this cute, fuzzy, Halloween-colored kitten walking over the porch swing. Then I opened the door and it...ran away. Yeah. All these dogs have been barking nonstop. It's probably scared senseless. :(
So back to the guitar thing, yeah. I said I was going to try to make a CD by November 14th, when I play a show. But... uh, I don't see that really happening. I was so excited for it until now. Basically, Audacity plus the recording stuff I have is so shitty that I can't control the volume even if I wanted to. And I want to. It's either too loud or too quiet or too scratchy and it sucks. And people tell me that other wizard rockers' first CD's weren't too great either, but like..they probably had help or experience or a calm temper. I don't have any of those things. It's just frustrating. I played the same song for almost four hours straight trying to get it right and it still turned out crappy. And my left hand's finger pads have skin peeling off and it hurts to type and my fingernails are split and it's just gross. And someone wanted me to send her a Christmas wizard rock song for a charity compilation...and I have no idea how I'm going to record that by October 26th.
It reduced me to tears and hair-pulling and I'm still at a loss of ideas.
Okay so it's Monday, no school because it's Columbus Day, and last night I went to bed at around four in the morning. Not really that unusual except for the fact that I've been going to bed at like 11pm now. I'm trying to become a faster reader and all that jazz. Even though speed isn't really that important, but my old creative writing teacher is begging me to read The Hunger Games and I really want to as well, so I'm trying to hurry up. I still have some library books out too that I already renewed a long time ago so.. that can't be good.
Anyway, I woke up at eleven a.m., rolled out of bed, and was told by my mom that there was a calico kitten on the front porch mewing its face off. She said my older calico cat had been pawing at the door which is ironic because the older one hates our tabby kitten. :( anyway I ran downstairs and it was gone, and my mom had left for a doctor's appointment, so I put food and water on the porch and basically stared out the glass front door for like an hour and ate vegan pizza for breakfast. Eventually I gave up and went back upstairs to practice guitar for my show next month when I heard mewing and sort of like mousy noises coming from outside, so I ran down and saw this cute, fuzzy, Halloween-colored kitten walking over the porch swing. Then I opened the door and it...ran away. Yeah. All these dogs have been barking nonstop. It's probably scared senseless. :(
So back to the guitar thing, yeah. I said I was going to try to make a CD by November 14th, when I play a show. But... uh, I don't see that really happening. I was so excited for it until now. Basically, Audacity plus the recording stuff I have is so shitty that I can't control the volume even if I wanted to. And I want to. It's either too loud or too quiet or too scratchy and it sucks. And people tell me that other wizard rockers' first CD's weren't too great either, but like..they probably had help or experience or a calm temper. I don't have any of those things. It's just frustrating. I played the same song for almost four hours straight trying to get it right and it still turned out crappy. And my left hand's finger pads have skin peeling off and it hurts to type and my fingernails are split and it's just gross. And someone wanted me to send her a Christmas wizard rock song for a charity compilation...and I have no idea how I'm going to record that by October 26th.
It reduced me to tears and hair-pulling and I'm still at a loss of ideas.
11 October 2009
epiph
"You know, I just had en epiphany," she said philosophically. "Everyone you're scared of isn't really worth it."
"But if you believe that, then there's no competition in life," he frowned.
"So you think competition spawns from fear?"
"No, I just think fear leads a powerful debate," he shrugged.
"But if you believe that, then there's no competition in life," he frowned.
"So you think competition spawns from fear?"
"No, I just think fear leads a powerful debate," he shrugged.
06 October 2009
9:29
when i say i love you, i'm not speaking on a whim.
i'm preaching from my honest heart.
i'm trying to help you, not be brave.
i'm just telling it like it is.
accept it or leave it.
when i say i mean it,
i'm not expecting long walks on the beach
or for you to hold my hand and look deep in my eyes
or for you to worship me like the sun shines out my ass
or even to kiss me in the rain
or take me out to a movie and kiss me til the end credits
no, i'm looking for
honesty, trust, respect
humor, a serious face,
trustworthiness, reality
but with a fantasy so
b e l i e v a b l e
i start to fall into the
cracks
and think
that maybe
one of these days
i'll open my eyes and
you'll be standing right next to me.
i'm preaching from my honest heart.
i'm trying to help you, not be brave.
i'm just telling it like it is.
accept it or leave it.
when i say i mean it,
i'm not expecting long walks on the beach
or for you to hold my hand and look deep in my eyes
or for you to worship me like the sun shines out my ass
or even to kiss me in the rain
or take me out to a movie and kiss me til the end credits
no, i'm looking for
honesty, trust, respect
humor, a serious face,
trustworthiness, reality
but with a fantasy so
b e l i e v a b l e
i start to fall into the
cracks
and think
that maybe
one of these days
i'll open my eyes and
you'll be standing right next to me.
02 October 2009
escape
You think you need escape from this place, you believe you hate it. You don't know where I've been, though. I've been so far gone and back that now I'm grateful I don't live in better places - but better has various, flexible meanings. If you are looking for freedom, good luck finding it outside your own mind. If you are hunting down a beautiful landscape replete with exotic scents and sights, I wish you luck in finding an outcome that's not lonely. Call me wrong, shut me down, but you haven't watched the spiders crawl up the wall like I have. Follow them, tap, tap, patter, splash, and put yourself in their shoes. Don't focus on where you want to be, but where you are now. All you've got to do is make that place worth living in, and voila. You've escaped.
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