Spring break and losing weight.

This is my fifth day of spring break and I'm just now getting to the point where I feel, for lack of a better phrase, lazy as fuck. I guess that's a good thing, as I'm leaving Sunday and I don't have many days left to feel this way. However, it doesn't really seem like it in the long run. Every time I home I have this feeling of being lazy as fuck even if I'm getting things done. I definitely don't feel this way as often at college.


So, let me interject this well thought out blog with a to-do list, since I'm organized like that.

1. Keep working on math homework. This doesn't have to be done before break is over, but I'd like to work as little once I get back from break.
2. Work on my dance comparison paper. I'm comparing literary conflict to dance. It's kinda fun.
3. Stretch daily. I'm trying to become more flexible. Yeah, yeah, go me.
4. Lose weight and keep track of my food. I joined myfitnesspal.com, which is said to be awesome, and I'm trying to lose some of the stupid freshman 15 that is haunting me. Vegans, don't think you're excluded from this.
5.  Exercise! Whether it's walking around Pitcairn, practicing for Pizzazz, or running up and down the stairs, I need to stay active for at least 30 minutes a day. Must.
6. Hang out with Bobby. Obviously.
7. Sit up straight. I'm horrible at this.
8. Start my story for Fiction Writing.

As you can see, my to do list isn't that intense. They're just little necessary things. Speaking of the freshman 15, it needs to go away. Now. I've always had belly fat, but it has reached a "I'm pregnant and just starting to show" stage. Hence my multiple recent purchases of overlarge T-shirts. Gross.

I also really want to take some kind of dance class this summer with my friend Richard. I think it'd be so much fun. If I can afford it I'll definitely do it. I'm also applying for a bunch of jobs right now for summer so wish me luck on that. And I have $600 due to my college in 2 weeks. Awesome.

Maybe this is the beginnings of growing up. Maybe feeling lazy as fuck is the calm before the storm.

Probably.

of love in place.

i felt your resin hands
clasped around my clammy veins.

after show jitters flitted through my thighs.
i performed a miracle,
a victory march of a heartbeat,
watching you fold and kick

kick me straight in the gut.
tell me why i pushed aside
a mountain that never was.

i blinked back grant street
where i couldn't hold back my stupid smile.

past forbes avenue
where i dug deep in my pocket,
texting the first gay friend in my contacts.

past exit 72a
where my heart grew wings.

past the squirrel hill tunnel
i felt small, smooth, like peanut butter
or nutella.

the stop sign nudged me
just turn already, monroeville's waiting


i'm back home, nestled under the crest
where you dance in my dreams,
on the stage where i loved you.

is there any point
in telling you
how i used to feel?

Today my sociology class inspired me to reflect on my life.

Okay, just kidding. I reflect a lot on my life in class.

But really, today freaked me out.

We started student facilitation today, and the first group talked about our recent readings about social media and its effect on social capital. They raised questions such as, “How many people that you Facebook friended from this school before arriving are you still close with?” and “does technology make community?”

These are both questions that I’ve heard multiple times before and written essays about and so the topic is somewhat exhausted for me. I’m sure this is simply a horrible thing, since technology is so engrained in my brain that I can’t even be bothered to think about it critically anymore. Interwebs is as Interwebs does: it’s just there. Yes, it serves a (mostly) awesome purpose in my life, and without it, this happens… exhibit A: Tianna sitting in a college dorm room for 6 hours in constant attempts to latch onto some wireless)

The sociology conversation wormed its way to Facebook. I sighed, leaning my head on the heel of my hand and wondering how many times it’s been brought up that Facebook only disconnects us from “the real world” – whatever that is. What a dull topic. Of course Facebook is the main way my friends and I communicate and - wait, what?

WHY?

Why is a website created by some random dude the way we live our lives? Why can't we, at the very least, text each other more often? Why do we claim to not have time for anything important? Why can't we maintain friendships?

FACEBOOK.

I would bet a large amount of money that the majority of my friends would not be my friends if Facebook didn't exist, or more specifically, if I didn't have a Facebook. It could be both of our "faults" or it could be entirely on my part - but if it didn't exist, a lot of my "mateys" (I'm currently using Pirate Facebook) wouldn't be so close anymore. If they're any kind of close at all.

Arr.

On Lauren Fairweather, community, and math class.

She told me she didn't want to go to a stupid school for freaks
Thank god they're sending us away
Cause she'd never want to be
A freak like me

These are the words. This is the rhythm that whispers into my ears as I sit stuffed against my pillowcase with the hardwood jutting through it. The second the opening guitar fills my dorm room, an aura of calm settles around the furniture, from the window to the door. Suddenly it doesn't matter how much I wanted to burst into tears during MA 100 fifteen minutes ago. Those mortgage and installment loans are in the distant past.

There's something to be said about the way Lauren's music soothes me no matter what's going on. Her songs were inspiring before I really knew much about her (I had fangirlish pictures of her around my room in 2007), but now that I've spoken to her and we're planning a tour together, I am even more comforted every time I press the play button next to her name. She simply gets it. She knows where I've been, and through her words, I feel like she knows. When I suddenly burst into tears or want so desperately to give up or am so excited I can't hold back my squeals, she's been there.

Yeah, it's a little ridiculous the amount of times I've been compared to Lauren Fairweather or even assumed that I am her. But it's less annoying than it used to be, because I realize how similar we really are. I look up to her in a big-sister kind of way. She's the same age as my actual sister who moved out years and years ago and never spoke to me again. It's a huge reason why I look up to her so much, and something I don't think I ever told her.

The other day Lauren posted an article about the Mike Lombardo scenario and while I agreed with her when I read it, her meaning didn't really hit me until today. She spoke of how cohesive the Harry Potter/online nerd community is, and how every time she plays a show or is around wizard rock people, she feels immediately at home. And I couldn't relate more. As great as college is, and as awesome the friends are that I've made here, wizard rock people are so different. Yet so similar, comfortingly so. As awful as the whole Mike thing is, it's not the end of our community, and it reminds me, and reminds us, how nothing can ever really break it or tear it down. For me, it seems like regardless of the people who get up and leave, there are always two more who remain (or newly join).

Sometimes when I tell people how I've screwed up in the past and made people hate me, they go, "No one could hate you. How could they? You're so sweet." I shake my head or shrug, knowing that it's possible even though they may never see why. One glance at me in math class, and you might get it. I can be stubborn to the point of relentless arm crossing, unfounded glaring, and harsh words that I may or may not mean. Sometimes I say such horrible things (usually to the people who are closest to me) that I try to repair them within seconds. But it's done no matter how I try to fix it.

This was supposed to be the best day of my life
And now she hates me

Yeah, it might be just a lyric, but it's so much more to me. It's Lauren standing up and saying, "I get it." No matter how many times people tell you they understand what you're going through, or how hard it is, or how much it will 'get' better, I knew before I ever talked to this woman that she really gave a shit.

Sometimes when I let people listen to my wizard rock, they go, "You listen to this crap?" and my answer is yes, yes, I do. None of them are perfect. Lauren is not perfect. She's a human who sings her pain and has the ability to be disliked just like I do. (Not like anyone should. ;))

And that's what this community is about.

And math class is irrelevant.

I can't believe I haven't written about this before.

P.S. The song is called "Freak" and it's on the album "The Prince's Tale".

i will, i will, i will

i will.

i will wrap my arms around you, pencil and all, samsung and all. i will breathe in your daisies, lost petals and all, forgotten seeds and all. and i will make sure you wake up tomorrow, and not just wake up, but get a good night's sleep. i will make sure you keep calm and not worry about carrying on.

i will kiss your face in the morning, maybe push you off the bed, and swear i didn't mean to. but you won't remember it, and even if you did, we'd keep laughing. i will wear your clothes and cry at the sight of your fuzzy shoes on my hairy floor without ever being able to explain. i will giggle at the noises that escape you when you're happy or impressed.

i will shake my head with you in defiance at the turds of the world. i will run down your hallway, lungs full of greetings, on the path to accepting a night of honesty, dancing, or death. i will confuse you with my words, but only because i get a kick out of the look on your face. i will share my hunger and harmonies.

i will walk with you, stare and think what a good portrait you'd make. i will convince you to eat, poke you to smile, push you to believe, and admire when you fight back. i will cover our faces in inside jokes, burst our funny bubble, fill our ears with stories, and float into the sky like pooh bear.

i will sit across from you and share a meal - in more ways than one. i will say "what if?" and challenge your idea of cute. i will be scared if you ever show up at my house with one of those rabbits, but i will let you in anyway. i will raise an eyebrow and focus the eye underneath on the frying pan.

i will, because i have to.

if i'm honest

i still need you. i always will.
i can't remember what it's like to wake up with you, and that saddens me more than anything.
but competing for the sadness is how i forget just what your voice sounds like.
and i forget your smell.
i forget your touch, your clammy fingers.
but i know your taste, your arms.
i know your hand in mine, embarrassed sometimes, public love.
how paranoid i got when you didn't tell me.
how worried i got when you did.
how much i want to tell someone, anyone, how much i care for you.
how much i tried not to.
how much i can't see the screen through my feelings.
how much i'd like to collapse in your arms when it's rough.
how it hurts that i can't.
how i don't know how much you like me because you never told me.
how it hurts.
how it hurts.

unhappy

2012 has been horrible to me so far.
and i've been horrible to myself.
it's insane the amount of people who tell themselves and others that they can do better and then they never strive to achieve that.
they never try because they just wait for it to come to them.
but what if you already have the something better?
how can you know if you have the something better if you don't try to make the something better something better?
the past 4 days have just been a whirlwind of confusion and buried attitude.

So move, yeah move so move, yeah move
I've got nowhere to go, I've got nowhere to go
So move, don't move so slow, don't move so slow
I can't take it, I can whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa

i guess i'm just thankful for tegan and sara, charcoal pencils, and good books. and these are concrete things that enter my soul and might just make me happy again. or at least content i can only hope, because i'm in the horrifying state of petrified panic where i can not go in public as i am.

i'm hungry and i can't eat.