why

don't my friends talk to me when i'm sad?
why is it that they only will listen when i'm happy?
why is it that i could be bawling my eyes out for hours, but if someone calls i immediately must regain mental metal?
why is this the norm, when i should be spilling my feelings?
why am i one of those people who know that release of emotions of good, yet no one will let her do it?
why, you dumb bitches, whYYY?

jealousy

i have a little problem with the green monster. i relentlessly try to ignore him, but he's always there when i least expect it. i don't know what i've done to deserve his company so often, but every corner i turn, every dilemma i solve, there he is waiting for me at the finish line. it's almost as if i can't have friends without having jealousy too. i'm the ron weasley of all of my friendships with everyone - before long i begin to imagine a pedestal underneath their feet, their arm outstretched with a gold medal clutched in their hand.

not only is this a daily reminder to myself that i'm not as witty or skillful or humorous as i think i am, but it's something that takes a toll on all aspects of my life. social, mental, and physical. i'll stay in bed for days hoping that the longing will go away, but when i stand up dizzy there's just another reminder of why i didn't want to end up there in the first place.

all i can ask for is that this envy does not drive me to insane measures. i don't want anything more than a normal life.

go with the flow

some people just never know when they can expect better, you know?

like, they'll break up with someone because they either feel like they need to or their friends talked them into it or maybe they were broken up with. but they float in space, convincing themselves that they can't find better after months and months of looking. and i think this is so sad because it's so understandable.

you never, ever know what's coming next or what to expect. yet your mind places these images of what should be in the back of your brain and when it isn't real, all is chaos. is it so much to ask that our minds would just be put to rest and let spontaneity roll off the wind and divide itself where it may?

i just think there is too much thought placed upon where, when, how, and why things happen. if we just went with the flow, there would be no worries like these. they're just that - worrisome, pointless, silly. pushing them far away would do humankind in general a lot of good

i think this is why people tell me i should get high with them.

Look before you leap.

I found myself with the urge to blog, and so here I am, Blogger. I thought it'd be pretty silly to ignore the avalanche of words in my head, so here they come, spilling out one by one as if they have an out box.

For reasons that I'm not going to go into detail about on here, not like anyone really reads it anyway, I started once again pondering my decision on attending LeakyCon 2011. Yeah, it's just a Harry freaking Potter convention. It's really not that big of a deal. You go or you don't. You spend the money or you save up for college. You act out your favorite character on stage or you sit at home and mope.

But over the last three years, my emotions have gotten mixed into the blur that were the three conventions I've attended. This has happened so much so that when asked what I thought of each individual conference, I usually don't even know where to begin with a reply. Therefore, I'll tell exaggerated stories of what happened based on what I know I felt like. These things could have easily been changed, and every year pre-convention it seems they'll be smoothed out. But somehow, some way, I end up letting petty things get to me.

The fact that I feel guilty a lot of the time is probably a very prevalent factor in my less than satisfactory enjoyment of Harry Potter conventions. You would think, after nine years of loving a book series, that that's what the main focus would be at a location where hundreds and thousands of fans have congregated. Close friends and relatives have always congratulated me on my admirable utilization of the phrase "look before you leap."

When aforementioned information was found out, I began to roll my eyes and then giggle to myself at the stupidity of some of the people I used to find some of my closest friends - and in some cases, more than that. I just can't fathom in my mind how I didn't turn over the consequences in my mind before I acted on impulse. It used to be such an important, valued step for me to take before I made any decision in my life. Maybe that's just what happens when you start dating, who knows.

My mind flitted from the conductor's emotional trainwreck that was Infinitus to the passenger's emotional trainwreck that was Azkatraz. Before I attended these cons, I made lists of things I needed to both accomplish and avoid at them. Did I end up completing the things on my list? Did I even give the lists a second thought once I'd arrived? Hell no I didn't, and it's because I'm always too bothered by what my friends think, or making sure my friends are happy.

I wouldn't argue that the latter is a genuinely good thing, but when it gets in the way of my own well-being, it becomes a problem. And when hundreds of dollars are being forked over only for this to happen, it's an even bigger problem. So really, although there might be people who actually want me to go to LeakyCon, I'm crazy for going. But if I have any wits about me, I'll be single this time.

Right... already failing at that one.

i wrote this 2 mays ago but i still like it.

it's about a friend who gets more attention than me.


strands of grass arch in your direction
bristle at your presence
come to say hello
precipitation pitter patters on your frozen windows
but that’s just plan b

the heavens above no know god
unless they are admiring you
kneeling in the pews
singing their hymns
musty church fumes getting to their head

nature envies you
forest green with spite
though the oak will never admit to this
their blooms got the memo
you were coming to visit

even the insects buzz after you furiously
my brow knits together and I look down
upon my own brightly patterned socks
even the wasps shake your hand
that’s alright with me

a tabby cat sniffs after your shoes
its dusty odor will copy your every move
her whiskers flex and form to fit your glass of fragility
and the frosted sweetness of your mother opening your eyes
in her dreams

diamonds yield serpentine warnings
whispering to you, take my exit
once you reach the fork in the road
yet I could drive right by
tumbleweed would even dodge my tires

your ears save miraculous ideas
when they begin the fall to the sewer
sounds I cannot approach give way to you
the hands I know so well,
crushing the hibiscus plant on my windowsill

in a heartbeat

insufferable

one of the worst things is the encountering of someone who is absolutely insufferable. no matter how much you try to console them, they will bounce your help right off of you. despite your legitimate concern and genuine longing for them to get better, they refuse to accept any kind of guidance. and this, i think, is what i'm scared of the most. if not the most, it's definitely near the peak of the list.

i think this feeling is most commonly associated with teenage angst, which is extremely truthful. most of time, teenagers want to solve problems on their own, which never really works out how they'd thought it would. some of them are really so insatiable that this attitude carries out through adulthood, and that's what i'm trying my best to avoid. i never want to be so closed up that i bounce opinions off my steel armor.

if this is all i ever accomplish with my life, then i'll die knowing i tried as hard as i could to attain happiness. even if i never achieve any other goals, i'll know that i'll have had my doors open for newcomers. not slamming opportunities closed is something we all need to work on, but especially budding adults, because whether you choose to shed your light on others or not, your own soul should be well acquainted with it.

hipster appreciation

this is just going to be a pretty random and jumbled blog because i have a lot on my mind at once. disclaimer.

so i haven't posted in a little while. i have no excuses and don't really feel like any are necessary. but uhmmm. i'm pretty much giving up on nanowrimo. i thought i had a good idea, but it was just ripped off a movie and i don't feel like writing out shit that's not mine or restarting six days in. plus, this weekend has been kinda strange. i haven't written in a while about anything, really. my friend caleb who i met in july randomly texted me yesterday and told me he was beginning his two week trek to move back to california and wanted to spend the night with me. so he did, and he left several hours ago only to break down an hour ago. so he's getting towed to here around midnight. joy joy joy joy staying up late. good thing i love this kid.

so last night we watched the final battle and made fun of the things that went wrong with it while still appreciating the musical as a whole, planned some evil plans, and ate. when i say ate i mean we almost didn't stop shoving food in our mouths, hahaha. it really felt like the burrow. it's really cheesy, mostly because my mom says it every time, but my whole house honestly feels like a different place when we have someone staying over. it just warms it up and makes my mom and i really happy and genuinely kind. not that we aren't like that at heart all the time, but stress makes us forget a lot of the time. and when we have one of my long distance friends come to stay for a day or so, it changes my mom's and my outlook on everything we've come to know as habitual each day.

and this is, i think, is the main reason why i want to move away so badly. the want is so intense that it drives me to tears and makes me feel as if i'm missing out on something so much bigger. i wake up and my muscles are tired from recognizing everything i see. it's not that i'm unappreciative, i'm really glad i grew up in a room i could make my own and have people's faces that i love all over my walls and look up and see my favorite quote from dumbledore dangling over me. it's just that i want this bedroom in a larger scale. i don't want to only be able to be myself in a flourescent ten by six area for the rest of my life.

i just want a whole city where i can call myself myself. from the time i wake up to the time my head hits the pillow at night and i laugh or cry or think myself to sleep, i don't want to fluctuate personalities. never again do i wish to spend a summer as a bitter, coldhearted bitch and then soften up in the fall. i want to always be like this. i want to have love pouring out of my fingertips at a second's call.

it's honestly amusing how often i tell people i have no reason to be here. i really don't know how many other people feel this way. i like to assume that there's a fair amount, but then there's a large part of me that is very aware of the fact that several of my friends are really genuinely proud of where they hail from. i always wished i could have pride like that within me, but it's just not come around. i used to be absolutely terrified of moving when i had a best friend. when would i ever see her again? but i haven't seen her in five years, even though i found a note from her from fifth grade in one of my old coat pockets. err..anyway.

it's because when i spend long periods of just texting my friends and not really feeling much, i'm usually in this perpetually morose mood. i'll talk to people and act really happy, act, even if i really do love them. it's just that over the years i've become some kind of person i don't recognize when i'm alone. but when i'm with friends and that smile is real, i realize what i've been missing out on. and that, blogger, is why it's so hard to leave long distance friends. you never know when you're going to be happy again. it could take nothing more than a skype call.

i would literally rather be anywhere. i'd rather be in iowa with mallory, i'd rather be in lebanon with steph and monica, i'd rather be in ann arbor with sarah, i'd rather be in grand rapids with eva, i'd rather be in canada with patrick, i'd rather be in new jersey with cole and anna, i'd rather be in nyc with my ex boyfriend who hates me now, and i'd rather be in virginia with ivy. i'd rather be in new england with tom and bella. i'd rather be in florida with thomas and amber. i'd rather be in baltimore with alex. i'd rather be in california with zach. i'd rather be anywhere but here. how is that even possible?

so my friend jesse just wrote a really sweet blog about me and i'm returning the favor. i think out of any of my friends, i think jesse feels like this the most. he's a lot like me in general, but i get that sense that he wants to escape a lot. and i don't even think it's because the place he's in is genuinely crappy. i think it's mostly because he's experienced so much of the same shit each day and eventually you just want more. and unlike anything we've experienced in the past, i think jesse and i both really feel like we deserve something new, something more now. at least if he doesn't, he should.

what i appreciate the most about jesse is that we can talk about absolutely anything. and also the fact that it was always that way. there wasn't ever a time when i really wanted to tell him something and didn't feel like i could. and i think that's the most important thing about any kind of relationship with any kind of person. if you can't say what you want, the point of the friendship kind of ceases to exist for me.

another really refreshing thing about this boy is that he's just not someone who's in everyone. there's this aspect of humor that we can always link with each other and it brings a smile to my face every time. i'm more than grateful that he hates the same people i do and has the same favorite wizard rock band that i do. he's just always there. and he makes me want to be a better person. he showed me the definition of forgiveness, and that it doesn't always have to make you feel like shit.

i know if we were to drop everything and hang out right now, we'd have the time of our lives. we could have totally unprecedented, unplanned fun and not worry about when we'd have to leave each other. because he's one of those people who once you leave, you don't worry about the steadiness of the friendship. it's always going to be there whether you like it or not.

so thank you, jesse. for teaching me how to love someone unconditionally. for teaching me to say no when i need to say no. for teaching me to stand up for myself, and for giving me an endless supply of laughter that wouldn't be contagious if it weren't for people like you.

and start dating that blonde girl.

also, he's giving up on nanowrimo with me. feels nice to have a buddy to go "fuck that" with.