She told me she didn't want to go to a stupid school for freaks
Thank god they're sending us away
Cause she'd never want to be
A freak like me
These are the words. This is the rhythm that whispers into my ears as I sit stuffed against my pillowcase with the hardwood jutting through it. The second the opening guitar fills my dorm room, an aura of calm settles around the furniture, from the window to the door. Suddenly it doesn't matter how much I wanted to burst into tears during MA 100 fifteen minutes ago. Those mortgage and installment loans are in the distant past.
There's something to be said about the way Lauren's music soothes me no matter what's going on. Her songs were inspiring before I really knew much about her (I had fangirlish pictures of her around my room in 2007), but now that I've spoken to her and we're planning a tour together, I am even more comforted every time I press the play button next to her name. She simply gets it. She knows where I've been, and through her words, I feel like she knows. When I suddenly burst into tears or want so desperately to give up or am so excited I can't hold back my squeals, she's been there.
Yeah, it's a little ridiculous the amount of times I've been compared to Lauren Fairweather or even assumed that I am her. But it's less annoying than it used to be, because I realize how similar we really are. I look up to her in a big-sister kind of way. She's the same age as my actual sister who moved out years and years ago and never spoke to me again. It's a huge reason why I look up to her so much, and something I don't think I ever told her.
The other day Lauren posted an article about the Mike Lombardo scenario and while I agreed with her when I read it, her meaning didn't really hit me until today. She spoke of how cohesive the Harry Potter/online nerd community is, and how every time she plays a show or is around wizard rock people, she feels immediately at home. And I couldn't relate more. As great as college is, and as awesome the friends are that I've made here, wizard rock people are so different. Yet so similar, comfortingly so. As awful as the whole Mike thing is, it's not the end of our community, and it reminds me, and reminds us, how nothing can ever really break it or tear it down. For me, it seems like regardless of the people who get up and leave, there are always two more who remain (or newly join).
Sometimes when I tell people how I've screwed up in the past and made people hate me, they go, "No one could hate you. How could they? You're so sweet." I shake my head or shrug, knowing that it's possible even though they may never see why. One glance at me in math class, and you might get it. I can be stubborn to the point of relentless arm crossing, unfounded glaring, and harsh words that I may or may not mean. Sometimes I say such horrible things (usually to the people who are closest to me) that I try to repair them within seconds. But it's done no matter how I try to fix it.
This was supposed to be the best day of my life
And now she hates me
Yeah, it might be just a lyric, but it's so much more to me. It's Lauren standing up and saying, "I get it." No matter how many times people tell you they understand what you're going through, or how hard it is, or how much it will 'get' better, I knew before I ever talked to this woman that she really gave a shit.
Sometimes when I let people listen to my wizard rock, they go, "You listen to this crap?" and my answer is yes, yes, I do. None of them are perfect. Lauren is not perfect. She's a human who sings her pain and has the ability to be disliked just like I do. (Not like anyone should. ;))
And that's what this community is about.
And math class is irrelevant.
I can't believe I haven't written about this before.
P.S. The song is called "Freak" and it's on the album "The Prince's Tale".
The song that does it for me is 'It's real for us'...
ReplyDeleteAnd what you say about our community is particularly true, I don't think anything or anyone can break it. It became bigger than any individual and that's reassuring.
I've found a home in a couple of other communities before Nerdfighteria but they were all eventually destroyed by their own members' pettiness and it made me wary and sad... Now, I feel safe.
That thing with Mike was, is, horrible, but we'll take care of one another to the best of our abilities. We'll be there for the victims and we'll be ever vigilant, but above all, we'll still be a tight community and we'll still have fun and relax; able to be ourselves like nowhere else!
I love the entire "The Prince's Tale" album, as I've told Lauren on many occasions (she may very well be sick of me saying it by now). It not only tells the story of characters in the world we have come to love, but uses their story to tell our own. Songs like "It's Real for Us" and "Freak", as well as many if not all the others, contain lines and passages that resonate with us because they reflect what we have gone through because of our community and for our community. In half an hour, the album reminds me 1. of what our community is based on and why I love it 2. of what our community has become and what it has done for me personally 3. that as a community we will continue to do great things.
ReplyDeleteIn light of recent events, I know that a lot of people within the online Harry Potter/nerd community have worried and questioned the ramifications it could have. The Prince's Tale, and your post on it, help remind me that we worry so much because we care so much, and that dedication can help us so much more than any individual can hurt us.
TL;DR: The Prince's Tale is a fantastic album that resonates with me personally and reflects the strength of our community. This is a fantastic post about that.
I know exactly how you feel. Since I discovered wizard rock and the whole community, I've felt like I have somewhere that I belong, where other people understand me. And that means the world to me. Having people like you and Lauren to look up to reminds me that I'm not alone, that others have gone through (and are going through) a lot of the same things as me. It reminds me that everything is survivable, and that I shouldn't expect perfection from myself or anyone else. I know we are going to pull through this crappy situation if we stick together and don't lose sight of how much good this awesome community is capable of.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this beautiful post, and thanks for being awesome.
Ahh. Lauren is seriously amazing. I don't think I've quite gone through the things you girls have, but I definitely understand what you mean about the comforting feel of her music. I can't even quite explain why, but just the sound of the first guitar strums, or whatever, makes me feel completely at home (and also pretty sentimental).
ReplyDeleteShe's a fantastic person.
<3