2010...

...has been pretty crappy. i'm really crossing my fingers in hopes that 2011 will get better. i know i have to do something about it for this to happen; good times just don't voluntarily spring up in fields of daisies, however i'm finding less and less will to do so. it seems every time i reach out to grasp a miracle it's slipped out of my touch. regrettably i have fallen into the mindset of rejection being the only possible outcome. like so many deadbeat office workers, i have succumbed to the societal norm of depression and would rather lie in bed with my thoughts than speak with a happy and healthy human being. it's not just a question of "what's wrong with me?", but "what the hell is wrong with the world?"

i really just despise people. everywhere i turn human beings are constantly relying on themselves and folding under pressure of a society that doesn't look twice upon its prey. if only we had ground and reason to trust more, we would be happier people. i wouldn't have to be jealous of my friends just for being close with each other. no one would have to go out of their way to slight anyone because envy wouldn't exist. more than love, envy makes you do crazy things. great, maybe, but terrible.

it's seemed for a while now that it is not possible for me to voice my opinions without either a) coming off as a huge bitch, b) being ignored by close friends, c) getting into arguments, or d) coming off as a huge bitch. did i already mention that? i'm so sorry. i know people say they hate high school, but i'm terrified of being stuck in this rut during college too. it literally feels like my brain was drowned, wrung out, and hung on the line to dry. except it's not drying. it's a waterlogged room of insanity.

i never know what to say, and sometimes this is the scariest thing in the world. i say more things than others do occasionally, more honest things, but that's because they spill out of my mouth or my keyboard before i have the chance to stop them. i don't mean to tell the truth sometimes, but the atmosphere that my friends have surrounded me with seems like it gives me the chance to be myself. but what happens when that goes on too much, gets carried too far? i didn't even think that was possible. apparently i was missing out on a huge clue. whoopsy.

maybe it's just because i'm stuck where i'm living and i'm not kelly rowland's wife, but really, the world is so much more melancholy than it needs to be. you shouldn't have to be on the internet 24/7 to know that the world is beautiful. there should be an instinct in humans that lets them know that they're free to roam the world where they want to for whatever personal gain they seek. no one is restricted to their country, their city, their home, their school, and especially not their mind.

think outside the box and don't assume anyone's an insufferable bitch for having opinions. you don't always know where they come from, period.