is people that are scared of love. They refuse to let themselves care about another person so strongly. They think that if they make themselves vulnerable to another human being, then they’ll get hurt. It just makes me wonder what “risk” means to them. If we consult Webster, “love” is “to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for.” Obviously, love cannot be summed up as a simple definition in a book of countless words, but if it had to be, this would be the closest thing to it.
What buries itself inside your mind that makes you afraid to be passionate about something? If you can love books, music, fashion, and sports, why can’t you love people? What makes it so difficult or different about them? Is it because they can have a reaction? Because “music can’t let you down”, or “books will always be there”? Personally I’d rather rely on a real living being. Even though so often my refuge lies in smelly old pages or my iTunes or whatnot, my immediate stress relievers are my friends.
Maybe this is where I’ve gone wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t rely so much on people who a) live far away, b) have realistic human tempers, and c) have hurt me in the past. But I know I can’t control where the people who care about me live, I accept that people get a little feisty with their words sometimes, and on occasion, my heart tells me to forgive even though it may be an irrational decision.
Maybe I shouldn’t, but I do. There’s always going to be the question of “should I?”. Because when you love someone, you give them your whole heart. That’s what love is, it’s not a whimsical feeling that strolls by hand in hand with a compliment every now and then. To quote Paramore, “Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts.” It’s ridiculous to believe in everlasting love or love at first sight or ~ever ever after~, as Carrie Underwood would have you believe. Seriously, it’s not realistic at all. Of course your mom might have a story of how your neighbor’s grandmother married her high school sweetheart. But it doesn’t happen for everyone, and that’s what’s so fantastic about love.
Love prepares you for the worst. Some may scoff at this and say that it only is licensed to bring you joy and happiness or else it’s not real, but that’s not the case. If you don’t want to be afraid of love, then you need to treat it like an overly opinionated yet relentlessly passionate friend. It’s always going to be there for you, not always visible, but if you don’t believe in it then it’ll never jump out at you.
It’s like Santa Clause. Every Christmas my mom reminds me that when she was a kid, her parents wouldn’t buy her anything if she said she didn’t believe in Santa Clause. It’s something so simple, but if you don’t allow yourself to have faith in anything else but material items like books, music, sports, religion, or fashion, then you’re going to end up even more depressed than I am. And then I would pity you more than I pity myself. So don’t do that, guys.
Like Sara Quin called herself, I am an “emotional slut”. I fall very easily for all kinds of people and it doesn’t take very much for me to form an attachment to them. In no way, shape, or form would I ever suggest that everyone be accustomed to this. However, I take pride in knowing that even though I’ve been hurt in the past, I’m still open to love. If my mother, friends, and endless novels have taught me anything, it’s that love cradles you. Oh, and the Beatles. Thanks guys.
It’s just really astounding that so many of my friends admit to being terrified of something so many people chase. It makes them appear to be the bad guys because they’ll begin relationships with people and then suddenly bring them to a halt because of their fears. It makes me scratch my head, because so many of these people are involved in the Harry Potter Alliance or are just generally intense about geekdom or putting your whole heart into something… but they can’t put that much effort into caring for a person.
Stop being scared of love. Don’t be a Voldemort, be a Lily Potter.
08 May 2011
21 March 2011
Television.
It's getting worse and worse. Why does my mom think it's even appropriate to yell at me to come watch Dancing With the Stars with her while I'm doing homework? Whaaat? I told her I got wait listed at Mount Holyoke and she was like "okay, come watch this with me." It's just kind of disappointing because she used to be so different. I remember an almost word for word quote of hers years ago, "Television rots your soul." She always stuck up for me when I argued with my friends and tried to convince them that books were better than TV. Even as a kid my mom influenced me to believe that, and now she's totally backwards and it's just weird. Because she's unemployed and doing less and watching more television, it sort of makes me lazy in turn. I have stacks of books that need read but I glue myself to the computer instead, which can't be much healthier than TV. But the fact that I'm not watching people with Cheez Nip colored skin sort of comforts me. I think now I'll just shut my door, stick my face in a book, and read about Atticus Finch. I really don't need the real world anyway.
14 March 2011
Incoherent and Pointless
But I figured I'd share this anyway.
I feel like one of the scariest things I've dealt with over the course of my existence (which obviously isn't that long of a time, so bear with me) is realizing everything you do is pointless. Whether it be an epiphany or just a short term idea that gets you down in the doldrums, feeling like your actions amount to nothing is one of the most depressing things ever. It could just be because I've been ruthlessly accepting classmates' friend requests on Facebook that I deleted a while ago, but more and more often I'm seeing people complain about how every move they make seems to go nowhere.
I'm surely empathetic with these people, but it just makes me so sad. Why can't they see that a change will come? Granted, it won't get here very quickly if they don't put some effort into making their dreams come true, but it'll come in the end. Things will change. Maybe the most we can do as human beings is just to fill ourselves with an overwhelming sense of hope.
There's no surefire way of going about not only creating hope, but keeping it for yourself as well. At least not one that I can think of. But there's steps that everyone can take to make it that way. This is coming from someone whose entire purpose in making this blog is to give herself hope, so listen to me. For the better part of my life I've avoided social situations and anything that could have potentially made me happy because of a few bad experiences. I've always been one of those people who will go out of her way to make herself miserable without even realizing it. That's when it's most difficult to recognize and stop - when you don't even notice you're doing it.
Even though all of these people on Facebook have people commenting and saying "I like you!", "You're gorgeous!", or "Of course your life is worth something!" they're just saying it because they were attracted to the reel of pity. Sometimes it's hard to decide whether the person is just fishing for compliments or if they just need someone to talk to, because oftentimes it's the same thing and then others the line is ridiculously fine.
I think the first step we can take in giving ourselves hope is to open ourselves up to people and not only complain about what we need to complain about, but let them vent back to you. Without that basic foundation of trust, you'll continually reach out to people who won't listen to you twice if you don't give them a shred of respect.
I'm really just rambling here. Maybe hope is what we make of it and our actions are only meaningful if we twist our minds into thinking they are. I guess that's what I'll have to start doing. Brain transplant, maybe?
I feel like one of the scariest things I've dealt with over the course of my existence (which obviously isn't that long of a time, so bear with me) is realizing everything you do is pointless. Whether it be an epiphany or just a short term idea that gets you down in the doldrums, feeling like your actions amount to nothing is one of the most depressing things ever. It could just be because I've been ruthlessly accepting classmates' friend requests on Facebook that I deleted a while ago, but more and more often I'm seeing people complain about how every move they make seems to go nowhere.
I'm surely empathetic with these people, but it just makes me so sad. Why can't they see that a change will come? Granted, it won't get here very quickly if they don't put some effort into making their dreams come true, but it'll come in the end. Things will change. Maybe the most we can do as human beings is just to fill ourselves with an overwhelming sense of hope.
There's no surefire way of going about not only creating hope, but keeping it for yourself as well. At least not one that I can think of. But there's steps that everyone can take to make it that way. This is coming from someone whose entire purpose in making this blog is to give herself hope, so listen to me. For the better part of my life I've avoided social situations and anything that could have potentially made me happy because of a few bad experiences. I've always been one of those people who will go out of her way to make herself miserable without even realizing it. That's when it's most difficult to recognize and stop - when you don't even notice you're doing it.
Even though all of these people on Facebook have people commenting and saying "I like you!", "You're gorgeous!", or "Of course your life is worth something!" they're just saying it because they were attracted to the reel of pity. Sometimes it's hard to decide whether the person is just fishing for compliments or if they just need someone to talk to, because oftentimes it's the same thing and then others the line is ridiculously fine.
I think the first step we can take in giving ourselves hope is to open ourselves up to people and not only complain about what we need to complain about, but let them vent back to you. Without that basic foundation of trust, you'll continually reach out to people who won't listen to you twice if you don't give them a shred of respect.
I'm really just rambling here. Maybe hope is what we make of it and our actions are only meaningful if we twist our minds into thinking they are. I guess that's what I'll have to start doing. Brain transplant, maybe?
05 March 2011
it's all in your mind
forgiveness. it's something i've never been able to accomplish very well. and while i can't tell myself that adding someone back on facebook or responding to their texts every once in a while is forgiveness, it's starting to hold a different meaning for me. i'm starting to accept the fact that it sometimes takes months to be able to say "it's okay." sometimes the things people do are so horrid and hurtful that we may never understand why they chose to do something so crappy. in the end, though, if we keep our anger inside it will only destroy us. as a teen, i've begun to realize i don't want that to be my future. at the same time, however, it's tremendously difficult to just make up your mind on something so trivial. you really have to walk the walk and not just say, "i forgive you." because if you do that and you still kind of hate the person, it's even worse than it was before. i'd rather get the cold shoulder for ten years than have to deal with someone who i hated.
it's extremely difficult to be ignored, but it's harder to not even understand why. sometimes, though, you need to keep in mind that it might not be your fault. and while this may seem like a cop out, it's proven to be true more often than not in my life. my dad leaving wasn't my fault. my sister walking out wasn't either. the boy i like ignoring me isn't my fault. sometimes people have mental blocks that keep them from doing things that they really want to do. maybe my dad and my sister want to ask for forgiveness, but don't because they're worried it may be futile (and it is). maybe the boy who's ignoring me wants to ask me out and he's too scared of commitment to do so. everyone has boundaries whether they choose to see them or not, and you do too.
so the next time someone says something mean to you, ignores you for a ridiculous period of time, or you just keep thinking of someone who you don't think is thinking of you back, just keep in mind that they're going through struggles too. even if you can't see them, even if they live very far away, even if you see them every day, even if they're your family. struggles can be internal, and those are the worst kind. as far as forgiveness goes, i'm still learning. but i feel like this could be the first great step toward it.
it's extremely difficult to be ignored, but it's harder to not even understand why. sometimes, though, you need to keep in mind that it might not be your fault. and while this may seem like a cop out, it's proven to be true more often than not in my life. my dad leaving wasn't my fault. my sister walking out wasn't either. the boy i like ignoring me isn't my fault. sometimes people have mental blocks that keep them from doing things that they really want to do. maybe my dad and my sister want to ask for forgiveness, but don't because they're worried it may be futile (and it is). maybe the boy who's ignoring me wants to ask me out and he's too scared of commitment to do so. everyone has boundaries whether they choose to see them or not, and you do too.
so the next time someone says something mean to you, ignores you for a ridiculous period of time, or you just keep thinking of someone who you don't think is thinking of you back, just keep in mind that they're going through struggles too. even if you can't see them, even if they live very far away, even if you see them every day, even if they're your family. struggles can be internal, and those are the worst kind. as far as forgiveness goes, i'm still learning. but i feel like this could be the first great step toward it.
19 February 2011
Our Truth Is Not Better
For some reason, even though I only have two acquaintances who are vegan, I hear one argument cropping up a lot - online and in the real world. Stereotypically, people who are vegan are thought of as thinking they're superior to every vegetarian and meat eater out there. This isn't entirely true, and I'm living proof of it. But I'm not just that, I'm also living confusion as to why anyone DOES think that way.
Why would eating meat make you a lesser person? Why would the fact that I abstain from consuming flesh make me a goddess? It wouldn't, and it doesn't. I am not more evolved than anyone just because I don't consume meat or dairy. Before I became vegan, I thought that this kind of person never got off their high horse. But trust me, after the first year or so of being a vegetarian or vegan, it starts to hit you that you're not really a superhero after all.
There's nothing wrong with having pride in yourself for being a vegan. I have lots of it. But there's no reason to place people below you on the chain of cool or right/wrong. You can eat my friends, you can vote against my right to marry, and you can chop my trees down, but I'm not going to think I'm a stronger human being than you are. I have weaknesses and faults as well as you do, and I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. It is inevitable.
Even if you don't eat meat, even if you recycle, even if you're a model student - you're still a human being. To say that any one member of our species is better than another is blasphemy. I'm not going to stand for something like that just because I'm a vegan. I think that's ridiculous, and I hope more of my fellow vegans will be able to see that.
Why would eating meat make you a lesser person? Why would the fact that I abstain from consuming flesh make me a goddess? It wouldn't, and it doesn't. I am not more evolved than anyone just because I don't consume meat or dairy. Before I became vegan, I thought that this kind of person never got off their high horse. But trust me, after the first year or so of being a vegetarian or vegan, it starts to hit you that you're not really a superhero after all.
There's nothing wrong with having pride in yourself for being a vegan. I have lots of it. But there's no reason to place people below you on the chain of cool or right/wrong. You can eat my friends, you can vote against my right to marry, and you can chop my trees down, but I'm not going to think I'm a stronger human being than you are. I have weaknesses and faults as well as you do, and I have made mistakes and will continue to make mistakes. It is inevitable.
Even if you don't eat meat, even if you recycle, even if you're a model student - you're still a human being. To say that any one member of our species is better than another is blasphemy. I'm not going to stand for something like that just because I'm a vegan. I think that's ridiculous, and I hope more of my fellow vegans will be able to see that.
18 January 2011
I'm not taking your last name if you can't take my independence seriously.
In Poetry class, my fellow students always manage to pry into my teacher's life in the lulls between assignments - because yes, my school has those, be jealous. He handles it with good humor and they never really ask anything too rude, but sometimes I can't help but feel as if he should be doing some of the questioning.
Today, the topic was his wife - as it oftentimes is since she's the mother of the allegedly cutest three-year-old on the planet. My teacher mentioned that his wife kept her last name when she married him, and for some reason this set my class alight with indignation. "That's messed up." "...Why?" "I'm sorry, that just goes against tradition." "But a woman is her husband's once she's married."
My teacher looked equally as enraged as I did at the last comment, which was unnecessarily provocative and weirdly specific and just uncalled for. In the past I may have sat there and simply shaken my head at this boy's prejudice, but today I said something. "That's irrelevant and offensive and not even true, so keep your big mouth shut." My class was shocked since I almost never open my mouth unless I'm called upon.
Eventually this guy left the classroom because he became infuriated that someone with a vagina tried to prove him wrong. I walked out thirty minutes later, unscathed, but overall disappointed in humanity. The same girl that said a woman changing her last name when she got married was tradition also claimed that "the 1800s would have been my thing! I would have loved to do anything my husband asked me to." Oh, right, like to back off while he pulls a Henry VIII and slaps you around. You like turkey sandwiches? Good thing I coincidentally just started making ten of them just a few minutes ago!
I had no idea people in my school, not to mention the elective of Poetry class, thought such ridiculous things like this. I don't even understand them. But I know one thing: I don't care who you are, I'm not taking your last name and your skewed prejudices if you can't accept my independence. It's not gonna happen.
Today, the topic was his wife - as it oftentimes is since she's the mother of the allegedly cutest three-year-old on the planet. My teacher mentioned that his wife kept her last name when she married him, and for some reason this set my class alight with indignation. "That's messed up." "...Why?" "I'm sorry, that just goes against tradition." "But a woman is her husband's once she's married."
My teacher looked equally as enraged as I did at the last comment, which was unnecessarily provocative and weirdly specific and just uncalled for. In the past I may have sat there and simply shaken my head at this boy's prejudice, but today I said something. "That's irrelevant and offensive and not even true, so keep your big mouth shut." My class was shocked since I almost never open my mouth unless I'm called upon.
Eventually this guy left the classroom because he became infuriated that someone with a vagina tried to prove him wrong. I walked out thirty minutes later, unscathed, but overall disappointed in humanity. The same girl that said a woman changing her last name when she got married was tradition also claimed that "the 1800s would have been my thing! I would have loved to do anything my husband asked me to." Oh, right, like to back off while he pulls a Henry VIII and slaps you around. You like turkey sandwiches? Good thing I coincidentally just started making ten of them just a few minutes ago!
I had no idea people in my school, not to mention the elective of Poetry class, thought such ridiculous things like this. I don't even understand them. But I know one thing: I don't care who you are, I'm not taking your last name and your skewed prejudices if you can't accept my independence. It's not gonna happen.
15 January 2011
my definition of friendship
is, somehow, quite different from most people's who i interact with. to some people i know, a "friend" is anyone who will listen to them. i think this is rather ridiculous, yet somehow admirable. it means you're willing to let anyone know what's going on with you and what might be bothering you, but on the other hand, what happens when you're not upset and don't want to speak to this person? personally, i wouldn't want a near stranger labelled as my friend just so i could complain to them - i do that to people who aren't even my friends on a daily basis and feel no emotional connection with them.
then there are the people who think that because it's long distance and you've met once, you are friends. maybe it was a harry potter convention, a journey abroad, or a concert downtown, but no matter where, people are everywhere. it's really great when you meet someone randomly and you have this great connection, but if you can't tell that the other person is as pleased as you to be momentarily hanging out, then... you're not really friends. granted, the person who isn't enjoying it should probably let you know, but sometimes they just wait until you go away. and if you don't, holy gods, you should be able to realize you're not friends.
there are people who sort of like your talents, your blog, your hair, your style, or think you're funny. they might go to your school, be on tumblr, even talk to you on skype occasionally, but they're just not friends to me. i don't know what it is with me and my extreme hardcore view on what friendship be. but one thing i know that it's not is silent. this sort of thing happens a lot in the harry potter fandom. even if i've hung out with said person more than once IRL, if we only speak to each other after the fact every few months or so, i'm not going to consider them friends. we could have been in a musical together, we could have met in 2008 and resolved some of the worst drama ever together, but ...they're not my friend.
a friend, to me, is definitely not someone who doesn't make the effort to visit you at all over a break. it's not someone who every once in a while facebook IMs you and it's definitely not the creeper from school blowing up your phone. it's not someone who doesn't reply to your texts and it's definitely not someone who doesn't text you at all. i need constant communication if we're going to be friends, and if that means you have to live near me, i guess that's my own problem. i do have long distance friends, but they just tend to not understand what it truly means to live 7 hours away and not see a person day to day. it means that you're probably not going to be on their mind constantly, and should therefore make more of an effort to speak to them. how hard is it, really?
people often act like i'm gonna crack down on people who say we're friends when we're not - i won't. it doesn't affect me, so if you honestly believe we're friends, go ahead. eventually, your 365+ days of not speaking to me while erase me from your brain and we'll be equal. sometimes, it feels like i have no friends at all because no one fits this criteria. no one is that willing to keep in touch with me in more than a youtube comment. i used to be an intense best friend person, like, i needed as close as you could get to a romantic relationship without dating. that hasn't happened since early 2009, and i've dealt accordingly. now, it seems more and more like i don't get or require human interaction hardly at all.
i really hope my picky requirements for friendship don't follow me to college, because i'm hoping to not be a loner there, and one of the important things about the schools i've applied to is that they'll all be people that i want to take initiative and introduce myself to. it's easier said than done. but around here, with my only "friends" living 34908 hours away and not truly being there at all, i get sort of hopeless. rant, over.
then there are the people who think that because it's long distance and you've met once, you are friends. maybe it was a harry potter convention, a journey abroad, or a concert downtown, but no matter where, people are everywhere. it's really great when you meet someone randomly and you have this great connection, but if you can't tell that the other person is as pleased as you to be momentarily hanging out, then... you're not really friends. granted, the person who isn't enjoying it should probably let you know, but sometimes they just wait until you go away. and if you don't, holy gods, you should be able to realize you're not friends.
there are people who sort of like your talents, your blog, your hair, your style, or think you're funny. they might go to your school, be on tumblr, even talk to you on skype occasionally, but they're just not friends to me. i don't know what it is with me and my extreme hardcore view on what friendship be. but one thing i know that it's not is silent. this sort of thing happens a lot in the harry potter fandom. even if i've hung out with said person more than once IRL, if we only speak to each other after the fact every few months or so, i'm not going to consider them friends. we could have been in a musical together, we could have met in 2008 and resolved some of the worst drama ever together, but ...they're not my friend.
a friend, to me, is definitely not someone who doesn't make the effort to visit you at all over a break. it's not someone who every once in a while facebook IMs you and it's definitely not the creeper from school blowing up your phone. it's not someone who doesn't reply to your texts and it's definitely not someone who doesn't text you at all. i need constant communication if we're going to be friends, and if that means you have to live near me, i guess that's my own problem. i do have long distance friends, but they just tend to not understand what it truly means to live 7 hours away and not see a person day to day. it means that you're probably not going to be on their mind constantly, and should therefore make more of an effort to speak to them. how hard is it, really?
people often act like i'm gonna crack down on people who say we're friends when we're not - i won't. it doesn't affect me, so if you honestly believe we're friends, go ahead. eventually, your 365+ days of not speaking to me while erase me from your brain and we'll be equal. sometimes, it feels like i have no friends at all because no one fits this criteria. no one is that willing to keep in touch with me in more than a youtube comment. i used to be an intense best friend person, like, i needed as close as you could get to a romantic relationship without dating. that hasn't happened since early 2009, and i've dealt accordingly. now, it seems more and more like i don't get or require human interaction hardly at all.
i really hope my picky requirements for friendship don't follow me to college, because i'm hoping to not be a loner there, and one of the important things about the schools i've applied to is that they'll all be people that i want to take initiative and introduce myself to. it's easier said than done. but around here, with my only "friends" living 34908 hours away and not truly being there at all, i get sort of hopeless. rant, over.
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